Happy New Year from Julian Consulting!

I just want to pen a brief note of thanks to all of you who have made 2010 a great year for Julian Consulting!

I’ve treasured the opportunities to serve you in a variety of contexts and look forward to partnering together in 2011.  That partnership may take a number of forms:

• Your reading and commenting on this blog
• My serving you and your team in helping to promote your professional and personal success
• Effective Family Communication seminars and family events
• Our continuing friendship and deepening appreciation for one another

Some of you I will never meet, but I appreciate you.  We may be interconnected only through pixels and information pipelines, but that doesn’t make the encouragement that comes from the exchange of ideas and information any less real.

May you be blessed as you are a blessing to others!  In 2011, my continuing hope for each of us is that we are becoming the people we were created to be, people who are learning to communicate effectively.

Technorati Tags: communication seminars,family communication,effective communication,professional success,personal success,julian,julian consulting,contexts,encouragement,friendship,partnership

Traditions–Preserving Old Ones, Starting New Ones

I remember seeing Fiddler on the Roof when I was a child.  I can still recall a number of the songs and can hear “Tradition!” ringing in my mind.

Here are a few of our family Christmas traditions:

• We sit in church as a family on Christmas Eve (normal Sunday services find us spread throughout the sanctuary)
• My Dad suggests that we each open just one gift on Christmas Eve – he always suggests, we never do – it’s tradition
• We open all of our gifts one individual at a time from youngest to oldest on Christmas morning

There are community traditions, family traditions, individual traditions.  An example of the last is that I always tell Judy to “order whatever you like” when we go on a dinner date.  Never mind that I know she will order what she wants, it’s just a tradition from our days of counting pennies to let her know that I want her to enjoy the evening and not worry about the cost.

This Christmas we went to our church’s Travelers’ Eve service on December 23.  Although we weren’t traveling, we spent Christmas Eve at a homeless shelter helping serve dinner to about 350 people.  We came home from that experience reminded of just how blessed we are.  Sometimes it’s good to buck tradition, maybe starting a new one.

Technorati Tags: family christmas traditions,community traditions,fiddler on the roof,christmas eve,family traditions,christmas,homeless shelter,pennies,sanctuary,traveler,tradition

Speaking “toddler”–a language I’ve struggled to master

Years ago I sat in a McDonald’s and watched a mother and son have a meaningful conversation.  Unremarkable except that the child was probably 3 or 4 years old.  I remember thinking at the time: “How can an adult converse so effectively with a young child?”  I had three young children and felt I was often speaking over their heads (probably literally as well as figuratively).  Here I watched a mother speak in simple, concrete terms that her child understood and to which he was able, even invited, to respond.

So for all of you out there who communicate effectively with toddlers and pre-schoolers, I want to say just how impressed with your ability I remain.

Much of this blog deals with communication between spouses and among family members, but given my own strengths and interests, the topics tend to deal with children who are upper elementary school and older.  I’ll try to slip in some tips periodically for those of you with younger children in the hopes of keeping you on board.  If you want to share some insights that you think would be good for others, please drop me a line at stephen@julianconsulting.org – I’m always willing to learn.

Technorati Tags: meaningful conversation,concrete terms,mother and son,pre-schoolers,converse,toddlers,family members,mcdonalds,insights

Exaggerating versus lying–it’s all about intent

In response to my recent post, “Parents’ Guide to Understanding Your Kids: Tip #2 – People Tell Stories for Different Reasons,” Denise asked: “How do you handle your 14-year old hanging out at the fast food restaurant at 10:30 PM when he said he was at his friends’ house because he was there for 5 minutes when he went to pick them up before hanging out in the street?  When challenged, your child responds: ‘And besides, Dad, you stretch the truth with your stories and you don't recognize that there is something wrong with that.’”

Great question.

Intuitively telling a story and being dishonest are separated by intent.  Let’s start with what it means to lie to someone.  If I intend to deceive you then I am speaking dishonestly whether what I say is true or false.  If you ask, “Is it sunny outside?” and I respond, “No,” believing that it is sunny and intending to deceive you, then I have spoken dishonestly even if it is actually raining.

Now intentions are difficult to discern – I have trouble knowing my own true intentions at times.  But children can understand that exaggerating for the point of emphasis and intending to deceive are not the same.  I would question my 14-year old as to what he intended for me to believe as a result of what he said.  Did he simply neglect to mention that most of the evening was spent at the fast food restaurant or was he intending to deceive me by speaking in a way that while technically true was intentionally misleading?

Trust that helps – writing this makes me think of some clarifying conversations I need to have with my own children.

Technorati Tags: parents,intentions,children,deceive,mislead,exaggerating,intuiting

The “reset” button – reestablishing authority with your child

I’ve told my wife that one of our children needs to have it out with me about every six months.  Now I know this runs counter to what many would say, but I’ve found that this child loses perspective on the adult-child difference and that distinction needs to be reaffirmed about twice a year.  The way it is reestablished is usually through a heated disagreement.  Typically that child then goes back to accepting the boundaries established for him/her and everything is fine until another six months or so goes by.  One of our other children can barely handle “the look” – a full-throated argument would push him/her over the edge.  I’m not talking about heated arguments just to vent. I’m talking about recognizing an opportunity to hit the “reset” button – to reestablish authority with your child.

We’ve got to learn how to parent each child as an individual.  Often it is the oldest child that we grow used to parenting and if we don’t stay actively engaged, we take what works with that child and use it with the others.  While it is possible to luck out and find one strategy that works for all of your children, more likely you will be parenting one child effectively and parenting your other children less so because you are asking them to respond to strategies that are not adapted to who they are.  You are parenting individuals – look for principles and strategies that work for other families and children, but modify and employ them based upon the particular makeup of each child.  There is no parenting technique that is universally effective – no one reset button each parent can push.

Technorati Tags: adult,child,parenting,distinction,reset button,boundaries

Parents’ Guide to Understanding Your Kids: Tip #2 – People Tell Stories for Different Reasons

When Judy and I first married we had a lot to learn about aligning expectations with behavior – in other words, we didn’t know what we were in for.

Using Myers-Briggs Type Indicator terminology, I have an intuiting preference.  Judy has a sensing preference.  Those with an intuiting preference typically tell stories to make a point, to entertain, to demonstrate creativity, but certainly not to convey a host of unnecessary details.  Those with a sensing preference tell stories to convey details, to demonstrate that they know what is or was, to be precise, but certainly not to create “facts” from thin air.  (Now for my sensing preference readers who know something about MBTI, the real world is a bit more complicated but, as an intuiter, I’m trying to make a point here.)

So when Judy and I would go to a party I would tell a story to entertain and Judy would stand next to me correcting the details so that no one was misled by my playing fast and loose with the facts.  “So there we were nine months ago sitting at our dining room table. . . .”  “Actually it was seven months ago; I know because we had fresh daisies on the table and I had bought those to brighten up the room.  I don’t do that often and it was June when I found that new florist on Cumberland Pike.  I’m pretty sure they weren’t even open in April, which would be nine months ago.”  At this point the rhythm of my story was shot and people were either bored by another couple disagreeing in a way that couples often do, or they were fascinated by our particular disagreement and no longer interested in the wildly entertaining insight that I had been preparing to unveil.

A lot of parties ended poorly for the newly married Julians.  It was only when we realized that our issue flowed from two sources that compounded our frustration that we began to make progress.  First, we had different communication preferences (intuiting versus sensing), and second, we had observed two different models in our homes growing up.  My mother never disagreed with my father in public.  So my personality preferences and my historical expectations combined to produce a deep sense of betrayal, all over a story that wasn’t (if I was being honest) that significant.

Those who actually read the title of this post may be wondering if I have lost my way.  No, I’m turning now to parenting.  Sensing parents need to understand that intuiting children are not “liars” but creative storytellers who see the sharing of information as being more about entertaining than conveying disinterested (and uninteresting) facts.  Intuiting parents need to realize that their sensing children really do need to share all of the facts because those facts are the puzzle pieces that make up their stories.  Without the facts the story would collapse or, worse, cease to exist.

Give the gift of listening and free the storytellers in your home to share their view of world history in their own way.  In private you (the sensing parent) can challenge and correct the details – “It was a blue Chevy and not really a teal Ford” or gently make the point (as the intuiting spouse) that no one really cares that it was May 15, 1973, when they awoke in their gray pajamas to Tony Orlando and Dawn singing “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree” as the intro to their response about remembering POW/MIA flags.

Chances are you’ll have an opportunity to listen to stories over Thanksgiving – be gracious and be thankful that others see the world differently (even if their stories are boring or incorrect ).

Technorati Tags: mbti,story,facts,creativity,myers briggs type indicator,details,preference,parenting,storytelling,intuiting,sensing

Quit waiting for “The Perfect Holiday Gathering”

In Peanuts Charles Shultz introduced the Great Pumpkin as a mythical figure for which Linus would wait each year.  For many people The Perfect Holiday Gathering has become their Great Pumpkin – always longed for, never arriving.

When I used to teach public speaking I would warn students of “the great speech fallacy” – the belief that any one address was going to make a profound difference in the lives of others.  Now you may be thinking of just such a speech – one that influenced your life in a significant way.  Great.  Now think of how many public orations you have heard.  If you are a regular churchgoer the number may be in the thousands.  The percentage of life-altering communication events is quite small.  It’s the cumulative message that counts.

I grew up in a minister’s home and I heard several hundred sermons by the time I left for college.  I don’t remember many specifically and one that I often think of was a baccalaureate address my father gave and not precisely a sermon (“Decisions Determine Destiny” – one time that alliteration really worked).  But is any of this to suggest that my father did not greatly influence me and the course of my life?  No.  It just means that particular sermons faded while the cumulative effect of his life remains.

Sometimes busy parents assert that they spend quality time with their kids, but if someone has honestly figured that one out she should write a book entitled “Scheduling Quality Time with Your Children: How to Preplan a Life-changing Conversation that Takes Five Minutes or Less.”  It can’t be done.  At least not for me.  Quality time with my children grows out of quantity.  I don’t know what moment will make a lasting impression so I have to string together a lifetime of moments pointing in the same direction with the hope that the arrow of my life hits its mark.

So this Thanksgiving, quit waiting for the Great Pumpkin.  There will be no Perfect Holiday Gathering, no conversation that solves everything or resets your relational clock back to the beginning.  What there can be are opportunities to continue a lifetime conversation.  Maybe this year’s portion of that conversation will be memorable, very possibly not.

The only caveat I would offer is to those who feel they need to begin a new conversation or to reframe an existing one.  That may mean admitting mistakes, asking forgiveness, or listening without trying to fix the other person.  In that case, this Thanksgiving is a great time to begin.  One caution: Rather than announce your attempt at a new conversation or desire to redirect an existing one, just express what you need to without putting all that pressure on this one moment.  Don’t spend this holiday continuing your vigil for The Perfect Holiday Gathering.  Release yourself and others from that pressure.  Give thanks for what is growing in your pumpkin patch.

Technorati Tags: public orations,charles shultz,great pumpkin,busy parents,communication events,mythical figure,profound difference,alliteration,cumulative effect,sermons,perfect holiday,fallacy,linus,peanuts

“I love you” is reason enough

There were times in our marriage where my wife would ask me to do something – run an errand with her, for example – and I would agree to go.  Then she’d ask if I was doing it because I wanted to and I would say that it was not because I wanted to but because I love her.

She found this less than satisfying, but we don’t lie to each other and I didn’t see any reason to begin just so she would get the answer she wanted.  Besides, I am a terrible liar and she always seems to know when I am shading the truth (like when I’ve tried to keep a surprise from her).

Recently we went geocaching and I told her I was glad to be there because I love her – she looked at me and said, “I know you didn’t want to come, but I appreciate you being here.”  So, at least for us, “I love you” is reason enough.

Technorati Tags: liar,marriage,surprise,truth,i love you

“Killer Bunnies”–Despite the Name, A Great Family Game

OK, there’s just no way around the name – “Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot.”  I wasn’t too excited when I first heard that my kids had gone off to camp this summer and become addicted to this game, introduced to them by their cousins.

If, however, you are looking for a game that middle schoolers and high schoolers can both enjoy, this is it.

The objective of “Killer Bunnies” is straightforward – end the game with at least one living bunny and at least one carrot, and you have a shot of having the winning carrot (preselected without any player’s knowledge prior to the start of the game).

If you’re following, you can see that winning is the result of random luck – you have a living bunny (that takes skill) and the winning carrot (it takes skill to collect and keep carrots, but is sheer luck if you happen to have the winning carrot).  Despite the randomness of the outcome, the game is a lot of fun.

To be honest, my wife has not taken a liking to the game, but I have and enjoy playing it with my children and their friends.  There are additional packs of cards that can be added to the starter set to provide additional bunnies, carrots, as well as new and inventive ways for your bunnies to die.  Much of the game is a spoof on pop culture – that’s part of what makes it so much fun.

You can find the game here, at game stores, or on sites such as eBay.

Technorati Tags: game,high schoolers,carrots,killer bunnies,spoof,pop culture,middle schoolers,bunny

Parents–Don’t muzzle yourselves!

Think your kids don’t care about your opinions of them, their friends, their activities, or anything else?

As children become teenagers there is a common perception among parents that celebrities and peers replace parents as the most important sources of information and affirmation.

I don’t buy it.  What’s my evidence?  Sorry to disappoint you on this, but it is mostly anecdotal.  Years ago I read studies claiming that teens really do care what their parents think – even if they say otherwise to their parents or if they say nothing to their parents.  I’ve looked online again recently for information on the topic and have found a range of conflicting voices – teens insisting they don’t care what Mom and Dad think, brain scans purporting to show that teens respond to what their parents say about them, a study that says contemporary teens in Canada have better relationships with their parents than previous generations, and so on.  Then, of course, you have to interpret the data and that means you have to consider the source, reliability, and advocacy positions of the content providers.

I think teens care what their parents think because my kids obviously do.  We talk regularly about a wide range of issues and they ask advice or for our opinions.  Sometimes they laugh at us, roll their eyes, or respond as though we are brain dead.  Just today my teenage son said I should be proud of him because yesterday morning he left for band and, realizing it was in the low 30s, was wearing shorts with sweat pants, a T-shirt under a sweatshirt, hat, and gloves.  Later, as it warmed up – probably to the mid-50s, he stripped down to his shorts and T-shirt.  He was beaming with pride, his face asking me to affirm his choice, knowing that I would be impressed that he had the foresight to wear sweats, hat, and gloves.  I provided the affirmation he sought and didn’t make an issue out of his decision to wear shorts and a T-shirt in the 50s because I really was impressed that he had worn a hat and gloves.  Truth be told, I was shocked he knew where they were.

So, whatever your current relationship with your children, I urge you to engage regularly and sincerely.  Work from the assumption that they do care what you think, that your opinion matters, and that they are watching you to see what it means to be an adult.  When they look you in the face and say, “I don’t care what you think about me, in fact, I hate you,” you may be tempted to take them at their word, but I would urge you to take a deep breath and to reengage with love, remembering that you are raising a soon-to-be independent adult.  Just don’t cede your influence by self-muzzling.  Then it won’t matter if they care what you think because your lack of engagement will tell them all they need to know – they’re not worth your time or effort and that’s a message you’ll spend years trying to reverse.

Technorati Tags: teen,mom and dad,relationships,sources of information,affirmation,peers,voices,celebrities,teenagers,brain,muzzle

3 Keys to Success–in every area of life!

There are 3 keys to success in every area of life:

1. Natural ability
2. Training
3. Practice

The key is helping your child balance these three in each area of serious pursuit.

Natural ability can be a trap – your trajectory in that area is dramatically upward until you reach the pinnacle of what you can do unaided.  Then you plateau and others who receive effective training and engage in diligent practice pass you by.  Training and practice often outstrip natural ability.

The truly great performers in any area of life have all three – they have unusual natural ability, have received exceptional training, and have been passionately disciplined in practice.  Because of the time and resources involved, success in these cases is the payoff for tremendous investment.  Unaided natural ability is not sufficient for long-term success.

I’ll have more to say about this in future posts related to motivation and skill development because how you communicate with your child about success is key.

Technorati Tags: natural ability,training,practice,keys to success,success,skill development,trajectory,plateau,pinnacle,motivation

Facebook–Download all account information

If your child has Facebook, then at the very least you need to 1) Be on Facebook yourself and be your child’s “friend” or 2) Have access to your child’s Facebook account by knowing his/her user name and password.

So far my wife and I have resisted all appeals to join Facebook, but our high school son has an account.  Part of the agreement was that he could have an account if I know his user name and password.  I check his account periodically.

Recently, Facebook has made it possible to download all of your account information in one file.  This is another way you can see what your child has been doing online.

It takes a while for the file containing all of the information to be compiled and then an e-mail is sent to your account letting you know it is ready.  If the Facebook account is in your child’s name, then presumably he/she will receive the notification about the summary file through his/her e-mail account.  So I’m not suggesting something you do behind your child’s back.  I’d rather be open about all of this so we can be talking about his online activity.

Here are the steps to download the account summary:

1. Sign on to Facebook
2. Select “Account” (upper right)
3. Select “Account Settings”
4. Find “Download your information” and click on “Learn More”
5. Click on “Download” and follow the instructions

Technorati Tags: e-mail,facebook,account,child,download

Thanksgiving comes early!

Just spent a week in Honduras with an organization that has been a client of mine – Heart to Honduras.  Here were some impressions from that trip.

1) I saw virtually all facets of HTH’s ministry in action – the churches, clinic, school, agriculture, provision of clothing and food, etc.

2) I was reminded that poverty is real and that I am rich beyond measure – not merely in material possessions, but in access to healthcare, education, and travel.  My life has options – not everyone’s does.

3) The Honduran team is a dedicated group of individuals who are gifted, committed, and making a difference in their communities.  They are led by a coffee grower and businessman, Jose, who is bringing a new level of organization and a vision for self-sustainability to the ministry.

4) Pastor Jaime lives with his wife and two sons in three small rooms attached to his church rather than living in his house – he allows others to live in his house.

5) Pastor Ricardo, 22 years old, is moving into a small room attached to his church so that the congregation can use his humble home for additional educational space.

6) Pastor Freddy is developing land for his congregants to grow crops, raise chickens, and farm Tilapia (fish).  He has cleared a soccer field for neighborhood teens to use – it is dirt with two goals comprised of metal frames with no nets.  Kids were playing happily on it as we visited.

7) I had a number of meaningful conversations with Honduran church leaders and leaders of Corazón para Honduras (“Heart to Honduras” in Spanish).  It was humbling to see the commitment these people have to their calling.

8) Power Chicken should consider franchising restaurants to the US – great food at a good price.

9) Toilet paper goes in a trashcan next to the toilet rather than in the toilet itself – ALL toilet paper, in every establishment throughout the country, including hotels.  That took some getting used to.

10) There are road conditions varying from excellent (like our interstates) to nearly impassable (think off-roading in the truest sense – I found out that there really is a reason for 4-wheel drive other than impressing your suburban neighbors with the possibility of an adventure you’ll never pursue).

Technorati Tags: neighborhood,school,agriculture,coffee,material possessions,educational,soccer,chickens,crops,sustainability,thanksgiving,heart to honduras

Guarantee your child’s educational success for less than $200!

On Feb 2, 2009, I bought the Livescribe Pulse pen at Target for $159.74.  That one purchase changed my life.

Basically the Pulse pen does two things: It allows me to write in a special notebook (more on that later) while, at the same time, recording sound through my pen – it then links the sound to my writing.  So if I am having a conversation with you and you say something I don’t want to forget, I can put an * on the paper and later, after our conversation has concluded, I can touch the paper at that point (at the *) and the recording of our conversation will pick up where you said what I didn’t want to forget.

Imagine a student taking notes in class.  He is listening to his math professor work through a problem.  The student could bring a voice recorder to class and tape the lecture.  He could also take notes.  But what if his notes were linked to the voice recording so that as he copied down the problem in his notebook, what he was writing was linked to what the teacher was saying at that moment.  Then when the student wanted to review he could simply touch the page at the point where he wanted to hear the explanation of a particular problem or portion of a problem and listen to it again.

Now imagine that the student’s notebook and recording were automatically copied to his computer so that he could look at a computer image of his notebook page, touch the page with his mouse, and hear the lecture through his computer speakers.

This is all possible with the Livescribe Pulse pen.

I was looking for a transcription service for my business. I am a communications consultant and take lots of notes.  I spend a lot of time typing them up.  I wasn’t sure, however, that I wanted to risk the confidentiality of my client conversations by hiring a transcription service.  Besides, sometimes I can’t read what I wrote or remember why I wrote what I did.  None of the digital pens I researched seemed like they had arrived, and then I found the Pulse pen.  It sounded too good to be true, but for my business it was easy to justify a $159.74 purchase to find out just how good it was.

What you need to know:

• The pen uses special ink refills that are easy to swap out – about $2.00-2.50 a refill with tax and shipping.
• The paper it uses is like a large map and the pen like a GPS; the special notebooks are all numbered, so when I write on Page 27 of Notebook #3, the pen knows that and when the page is recreated on my computer it shows up as Page 27 of Notebook #3.
• The spiral notebooks I use are about $5.00 each for 200 pages (100 double-sided).
• The pen is available online at www.livescribe.com, through eBay or other online stores; it is available in some brick and mortar stores as well.
• There is a newer version of the pen – the Echo – that I know very little about.

What you need to consider:

• If your child is going to let his teachers know he is using a recording device then you will have to see if your district, school, or particular teachers have policies about this usage.
• I do a lot of work with educators and have warned principals to watch out for “fat” pens – they may be being recorded without knowing it and need to be careful what they say.  The same would hold true for teachers and you can imagine why some of them might object to being recorded on a daily basis – I don’t think they should or even should be allowed to object, but you can imagine why they might.
• I have been told that in the State of Ohio it is legal to record a conversation as long as one party to the conversation knows that it is being recorded – that is, you can’t eavesdrop electronically where no one in the conversation knows it is being recorded.  You would need to check out your own state laws.
• I always alert prospects and clients to my recording pen because it isn’t worth the loss of trust if they were to find out later.  I also download the recordings and delete them from my pen on a daily basis to safeguard the conversations in case the pen were lost.  A student would want to leave the recordings on the pen so he could use them with the notebook during review sessions later in the course.

So now when I try to read my notes and can’t figure out what they mean, or when I have forgotten the context of a word or phrase, I simply listen to that part of the conversation again and can easily reconstruct what I have written and why.

Obviously neither I nor anyone else can guarantee your child’s educational success for any amount of money, but for less than $200 you can make an investment that pays both immediate and long-term dividends as your child is less focused on taking down every word that is said and more focused on learning and taking notes that will be helpful for later review.

Technorati Tags: education,professor,computer,pen,paper,pulse pen,livescribe,voice recorder

Becoming Multilingual – Speaking Your Partner’s Love Language

Some ideas just resonate even if they can’t be proven.  That’s how I’ve always felt about Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages.  It’s a simple concept that makes a lot of sense.  It sort of reminds me of “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band:

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure - love stinks

The problem in many relationships is that you really do love each other, but you express love in a way your partner cannot hear.  According to Chapman, the five love languages are 1) Acts of service, 2) Physical touch, 3) Quality time, 4) Gifts, and 5) Words of affirmation.  So a husband who washes the dishes and helps with the laundry is saying, “I love you” to his wife, but if she is craving quality time she may not hear his acts of service as love.

He loves her
She loves him
They love each other differently
So neither one wins
Love stinks

Successful communication is impossible if you don’t understand and speak the other person’s language.  We need to be multilingual.  Learn to speak the language of someone you love and they will hear your love more clearly than you ever imagined.  No longer will you sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher: “Wah, wah, wah.”

Technorati Tags: j geils band,child,words of affirmation,5 love languages,gary chapman,five love languages,acts of service,physical touch,quality time,gifts,love stinks

Fight well in front of the kids

I grew up in a home without conflict.  While that may sound idyllic, it wasn’t, not exactly.  I will say to the credit of my parents that I have never heard either one raise his/her voice in anger toward the other.  I know they have a healthy, loving relationship and that this isn’t hiding some sublimated rage.

But for me this anger-free zone was a problem.  When I arrived at college I thought I was a well-adjusted individual.  Then I played flag football one afternoon.  It was the freshmen against the seniors.  The officiating crew was made up of seniors and after one particularly egregious call I lost it.  Now I don’t mean just a little bit.  I came unhinged.  I was so angry that I was shouting unintelligible nonsense phrases – I couldn’t speak in rational, coherent sentences.  As I walked away, embarrassed at my utter lack of self-control, I realized that I had some anger issues.

So when my wife and I got married and talked about having children, I told her that one of my goals was for us to fight well in front of our children.  Now if the word “fight” is problematic for you, substitute another term like “argue” or “disagree.”  I wanted to show our children that two loving, committed adults could disagree, disagree with some emotional expression, and resolve the issue well, lovingly.

Based on the unsolicited feedback from our children over the years, I think this is one area we have succeeded.  This is one area where I think we have adjusted the model of our parents (my parents) without swinging the pendulum entirely in the other direction.

My encouragement to you – fight well.  Model the healthy resolution of conflict.

You may be asking - “How do we fight well?”

Here’s five simple tips:

1. Don’t call each other names or use language that you wouldn’t want your children to imitate with others outside your home
2. Don’t reach a decibel level that suggests you’ve lost control over your reason, emotions, or ability to act rationally – exhibiting strong emotions and losing control are not the same
3. Stay focused on the issue at hand and don’t attack the other person’s character or over-generalize by using the words “always” and “never” even if you feel they are justified (as in, “you always” or “you never”)
4. Seek to resolve the issue without damaging the relationship – don’t say or do something you’ll forever regret
5. Never let it become physical

Technorati Tags: anger,anger issues,emotional expression,loving relationship,flag football,self control,rage,conflict,argue

Celebrate the uniqueness of each child

We ran into a problem when we went from having two children to having three.  Our first child was great with people – he entertained and captivated virtually everyone he met.  At one point we went to the DMV in NY to renew our licenses.  He was about five at the time.  He walked to the front of the crowded room, turned to face the waiting masses, and broke out into “Take me out to the ball game.”  He sang the entire song and then waited for the applause he was sure would follow.

Our second child showed an early ability to draw and sketch well.  We celebrated this trait since neither parent has it – the best we can determine is that it must have come from her paternal grandmother who is an artist.  So we were often affirming the drawings that this child created.

Our third child didn’t demonstrate any early propensities or gifts that were obvious to us.  We realized that we were praising his older brother and sister for their gifts, but that we weren’t exactly sure what behavior of his we should celebrate.  Then I noticed one night that when I went to put him to bed he gave me an extra strong hug.  I began to make an issue of his hugs and would often tell him that I needed one of his special hugs.  He would light up and squeeze the air from my lungs.  Now he knows that when I ask for an “endorphin release” he is being asked to wrap me in his arms and constrict.

The moral?  Find something unique to celebrate about each child.  With some children  the trait(s) may be obvious, but with others you may have to be intentional and inventive.  Just find it – whatever it may be.

Technorati Tags: grandmother,endorphin release,child,brother,sister,hug,unique,uniqueness,celebrate,gifts

Banish Mindreading! Instead, practice saying, “This is what I need from you”

After twenty-three years of marriage, one of my biggest turn-ons is when my wife says, “This is what I need from you.”

We are working to banish mindreading because it just doesn’t work.  Hinting is an invitation to mindreading and it doesn’t work either.  When someone says, “I told him he should quit texting while he drives,” I will sometimes ask, “Did you really say that?”  “Well, not exactly, but he knew what I meant.”  I’m willing to bet he didn’t.

I’ve had some clients tell me that my phrasing (“This is what I need from you”) needs to be softened.  I’m OK with that as long as you don’t soften it to the point of hinting.

“This is what I need from you” is not a demand.  It is being assertive – clear and direct.

I work from home.  If my wife walks in the door (two rooms from where I sit at my computer) and I hear her sigh (I don’t need to say “loudly” because I wouldn’t have heard her if it hadn’t been loudly), followed by, “And now I need to go pick up Andrew,” what am I supposed to discern?  Many people say she is clearly saying, “Get off your butt and go get Andrew.”  The problem, however, is that some days she isn’t.  Perhaps she has to go pick up Andrew because she needs to stop by a friend’s house on the way home.  In that case she’s just sighing and expressing her preference for a better world in which she doesn’t need to venture out again.  The problem with mindreading is that I am left to wonder which of the many possible things she might be saying, she actually is.

When she walks in and says, “This is what I need from you.  I’ve been driving all over town.  I’m tired and Andrew still needs to be picked up.  I really need for you to pick him up today.” - then we have an opportunity for adult dialogue.  I may have a phone conference scheduled with a client and I’m just not able to pick him up.  I can express that.  I am not being commanded to do something.  She is being clear and direct about her preferences, about her needs.  If I don’t have a client appointment or other conflict, then I am happy to go pick up our son and especially happy because I know I’ve just been asked.

Technorati Tags: mindreading,mind reading,marriage,assertive,communication,this is what i need from you

Parents’ Guide to Understanding Your Kids: Tip #1 – Watch how they respond to discipline

Years ago when our oldest was in elementary school, he did something so heinous that I sent him to his room from the time he arrived home from school until dinner.  It was probably 3-4 hours that he was alone in his room.  If you had driven by our house you would have heard him wailing at the top of his lungs and might have assumed that we were actively beating him (which we were not).

Then there’s our youngest.  We have sent him to his room and then asked some time later, “Where’s Adam?”  “Oh no, I sent him to his room.  Adam, come out.”  “Nah, that’s alright.  I’m playing.”

Extroverts gain energy through interaction with people and the outer world.  Our oldest has a clear preference for extroverting.  Introverts gain energy through reflection, time alone, or time spent with close friends.  Our youngest has a clear preference for introverting.

So when we sent our older son to his room as discipline for inappropriate behavior, it got his attention.  When we sent our younger son to his room, he was often happy to be away from the rest of “the loud family” (our name for ourselves).  There are many ways to begin discovering your child’s personality type and preferences.  Observing their response to discipline is one.

Technorati Tags: reflection,time alone,loud family,personality type,inappropriate behavior,interaction with people,close friends,preference,discipline,extroverting,introverting,extroversion,introversion

Best Movie Review Sites for Parents - #1: Kids in Mind

“Can I go with my friends to see Inception?”

How do you answer that question?  “Sure.”  “Who are you going with?”  “What’s it rated?”  “Who’s driving?”

Head on over to Kids in Mind which rates movies with parents in mind.  It provides three numerical assessments – Sex/Nudity, Violence/Gore, and Profanity.  Each category is scored on a scale of 0-10 with details provided to explain the score.  You do have to wade through a lot of pop-ups and ads, but I find that it’s worth it when I need to assess the appropriateness of a movie for one or more of our three children.

Technorati Tags: sex,nudity,kids in mind,appropriateness,profanity,inception,gore,violence,parents