The third element of healthy emotional expression

In addition to frequency and intensity, a third element that should be considered when determining the health of one’s emotional expression is duration (frequency and intensity were the focus of this month’s Effective Family Communication newsletter – sign up to receive the newsletter by clicking the link at the top right-hand side of this page).

It is important that we distinguish between aspects of life that are transitory and those that should be durable. My commitment to my wife is durable; my commitment to this keyboard is transitory. If this keyboard breaks, I walk to my closet, pull out another one, and go on with my life. If my wife falls ill, I remain committed to her, and don't merely go looking for another companion.

But some durable emotions are unhealthy.  Carrying a grudge takes a toll on you emotionally, relationally, and physically.  That’s why forgiveness is so important not only for the other person, but for you as well.

In fact, because reconciliation can be offered, but cannot be forced upon another, sometimes forgiveness only really benefits you as you extend it to someone who chooses to reject it.  (Trust me, as parents, we’ve all tried forced reconciliation with our children – “Now, tell your brother you are sorry and give him a hug.”  That’s real effective.)

How can you help your children discern whether their responses to strong emotions are appropriate?  Teach them to gauge the frequency, intensity, and duration of their responses, as well as the appropriate mix of those factors for different types of situations.

This is a lifelong learning process that benefits the learner and everyone with whom she interacts.

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Recalculating – One of life’s critical skills

Once we entered the world of DVRs, two things happened.  We rarely watch live television and, when possible, we avoid commercials.  But we actually stop and watch the Allstate “mayhem” commercials.  I’m sure you must have seen them.  There’s one where “mayhem” (guy in the picture below with a bandage on his head) acts as the car’s GPS and causes an accident as he suddenly recalculates and instructs the driver to change directions.

We refer to our GPS as "Jill” and have this sense that when we deviate from the course and she has to keep adapting, that her tone gets less pleasant each time she says, “Recalculating.”  I’m sure it is imagined, but it seems real.

Recalculating is an important skill as we adapt our path on life’s journey in response to changing circumstance, impediments, and opportunities.  Blindly persisting may appeal to some, but it’s certainly not an effective strategy.

Teaching our children to adapt and change depends in part on their natural inclinations.

• Some people crave change and must be encouraged to persist when the road gets bumpy.
• Others resist change and must be encouraged to adapt lest they run into the oncoming wall.

Consider how you can teach your children to recalculate effectively.  Real-life accidents aren’t funny.

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Parenting partners – Thank one today!

Judy has been away for 10 days.  We’ve done this before.  I’ve traveled for up to two weeks overseas and she has gone to help with family.  But this certainly isn’t the preference for either of us.

When we first had children we made the decision for Judy to stay home as a full-time mom.  I worked lots of hours to offset the expenses associated with living in NY (for example, we paid a tax for each garbage can that we put out – NY had very creative taxes).

At some point, I don’t remember exactly when, we had a conversation that was difficult, but important.  We realized that parenting couldn’t be 50/50.  If I was going to work two jobs and Judy was going to be home full-time then parenting was going to fall more on her than on me.  I still have trouble putting that into writing, wondering if it sounds as though I was abandoning responsibility or putting too much on her, but it was our reality and it was part of the decision we had made to have her home.

I just wasn’t going to notice all the details like a child having his hair trimmed or know our children’s schedules the way she did.  Nor was she going to be thinking about my students (I taught college at the time) or campus politics as I was.

Recently I met with a young couple and was sharing this with them.  I was trying to encourage them that they need to negotiate their own situation – being honest about the implications of the decisions they have made.

Three suggestions:

1. Cut each other some slack – you may be focusing on different aspects of your lives.  Don’t consider that indifference but complementary vision allowing you to see a wider range of reality.
2. Date regularly – we spent thousands on dating while our children were small.
3. Listen to each other talk about life, even those parts that aren’t your bailiwick.  Don’t try to solve, just listen and then be willing to offer suggestions if asked (or for those who prefer directness, you can ask: “Do you want me to just listen or offer suggestions?”).

My point – parenting is not meant to be done alone.  Now that isn’t a slam on single parents, not at all.  In fact, it is times like the past 10 days that remind me how much I admire single parents and spouses of deployed military personnel.  I’m not sure it takes an entire village to raise children and for most of us, given what has happened to traditional American community, that isn’t an option.  Your neighbors may not know you, let alone the people of your village.

Every parent needs parenting partners.  For those who are married it begins with your spouse.  For those who are single it may be friends or family.  For Judy and me it includes my parents who live locally, as well as parents of our children’s friends, and relationships from church and community.  (My previous blog post was about the impact of our children’s band directors on their lives.)

During this season of giving thanks – why not thank someone who serves as a parenting partner?  You wouldn’t want to be doing this without them!

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You can’t do it alone – the blessing of other positive adults

You cannot possibly be there (wherever that may be) to influence your children at every turn. That’s why it’s so encouraging to find adults who can impact your children positively. That’s the way Judy and I feel about our children’s participation in the Centerville Jazz Band (the Centerville High School marching band).

This year their show was called “Killer Queen” and wove images of Cleopatra together with music from the classic rock group Queen. It was a crowd pleaser that brought them into the Bands of America semi-final round this past weekend in Indianapolis. They were in the top 20 out of more than 500 schools who participated in a Bands of America competition this past year.

Centerville is blessed with two outstanding marching band directors, Brandon Barrometti and Josh Baker, along with several staff members who work with the different band sections.

Three lessons our kids are learning from this experience:

1. What does it mean to win?  Winning is about learning and growth, not just coming out on top.
2. Winning well is recognizing one’s success without having to put others down to feel better about oneself.  Winning well is celebrating the success of other winners and learning from them.
3. Effective teamwork is a core competency in life.  We are communal by nature and must learn to work with others in a healthy and productive manner.  (I had the privilege of working with the band this year on the Six Steps to a Healthy Team.)

Don’t try to go it alone – we need each other.  Celebrate those adults who are making a positive impact in the lives of your children.  Start by telling them “thanks!”

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