The “reset” button – reestablishing authority with your child

I’ve told my wife that one of our children needs to have it out with me about every six months.  Now I know this runs counter to what many would say, but I’ve found that this child loses perspective on the adult-child difference and that distinction needs to be reaffirmed about twice a year.  The way it is reestablished is usually through a heated disagreement.  Typically that child then goes back to accepting the boundaries established for him/her and everything is fine until another six months or so goes by.  One of our other children can barely handle “the look” – a full-throated argument would push him/her over the edge.  I’m not talking about heated arguments just to vent. I’m talking about recognizing an opportunity to hit the “reset” button – to reestablish authority with your child.

We’ve got to learn how to parent each child as an individual.  Often it is the oldest child that we grow used to parenting and if we don’t stay actively engaged, we take what works with that child and use it with the others.  While it is possible to luck out and find one strategy that works for all of your children, more likely you will be parenting one child effectively and parenting your other children less so because you are asking them to respond to strategies that are not adapted to who they are.  You are parenting individuals – look for principles and strategies that work for other families and children, but modify and employ them based upon the particular makeup of each child.  There is no parenting technique that is universally effective – no one reset button each parent can push.

Technorati Tags: adult,child,parenting,distinction,reset button,boundaries

Parents’ Guide to Understanding Your Kids: Tip #2 – People Tell Stories for Different Reasons

When Judy and I first married we had a lot to learn about aligning expectations with behavior – in other words, we didn’t know what we were in for.

Using Myers-Briggs Type Indicator terminology, I have an intuiting preference.  Judy has a sensing preference.  Those with an intuiting preference typically tell stories to make a point, to entertain, to demonstrate creativity, but certainly not to convey a host of unnecessary details.  Those with a sensing preference tell stories to convey details, to demonstrate that they know what is or was, to be precise, but certainly not to create “facts” from thin air.  (Now for my sensing preference readers who know something about MBTI, the real world is a bit more complicated but, as an intuiter, I’m trying to make a point here.)

So when Judy and I would go to a party I would tell a story to entertain and Judy would stand next to me correcting the details so that no one was misled by my playing fast and loose with the facts.  “So there we were nine months ago sitting at our dining room table. . . .”  “Actually it was seven months ago; I know because we had fresh daisies on the table and I had bought those to brighten up the room.  I don’t do that often and it was June when I found that new florist on Cumberland Pike.  I’m pretty sure they weren’t even open in April, which would be nine months ago.”  At this point the rhythm of my story was shot and people were either bored by another couple disagreeing in a way that couples often do, or they were fascinated by our particular disagreement and no longer interested in the wildly entertaining insight that I had been preparing to unveil.

A lot of parties ended poorly for the newly married Julians.  It was only when we realized that our issue flowed from two sources that compounded our frustration that we began to make progress.  First, we had different communication preferences (intuiting versus sensing), and second, we had observed two different models in our homes growing up.  My mother never disagreed with my father in public.  So my personality preferences and my historical expectations combined to produce a deep sense of betrayal, all over a story that wasn’t (if I was being honest) that significant.

Those who actually read the title of this post may be wondering if I have lost my way.  No, I’m turning now to parenting.  Sensing parents need to understand that intuiting children are not “liars” but creative storytellers who see the sharing of information as being more about entertaining than conveying disinterested (and uninteresting) facts.  Intuiting parents need to realize that their sensing children really do need to share all of the facts because those facts are the puzzle pieces that make up their stories.  Without the facts the story would collapse or, worse, cease to exist.

Give the gift of listening and free the storytellers in your home to share their view of world history in their own way.  In private you (the sensing parent) can challenge and correct the details – “It was a blue Chevy and not really a teal Ford” or gently make the point (as the intuiting spouse) that no one really cares that it was May 15, 1973, when they awoke in their gray pajamas to Tony Orlando and Dawn singing “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree” as the intro to their response about remembering POW/MIA flags.

Chances are you’ll have an opportunity to listen to stories over Thanksgiving – be gracious and be thankful that others see the world differently (even if their stories are boring or incorrect ).

Technorati Tags: mbti,story,facts,creativity,myers briggs type indicator,details,preference,parenting,storytelling,intuiting,sensing

Quit waiting for “The Perfect Holiday Gathering”

In Peanuts Charles Shultz introduced the Great Pumpkin as a mythical figure for which Linus would wait each year.  For many people The Perfect Holiday Gathering has become their Great Pumpkin – always longed for, never arriving.

When I used to teach public speaking I would warn students of “the great speech fallacy” – the belief that any one address was going to make a profound difference in the lives of others.  Now you may be thinking of just such a speech – one that influenced your life in a significant way.  Great.  Now think of how many public orations you have heard.  If you are a regular churchgoer the number may be in the thousands.  The percentage of life-altering communication events is quite small.  It’s the cumulative message that counts.

I grew up in a minister’s home and I heard several hundred sermons by the time I left for college.  I don’t remember many specifically and one that I often think of was a baccalaureate address my father gave and not precisely a sermon (“Decisions Determine Destiny” – one time that alliteration really worked).  But is any of this to suggest that my father did not greatly influence me and the course of my life?  No.  It just means that particular sermons faded while the cumulative effect of his life remains.

Sometimes busy parents assert that they spend quality time with their kids, but if someone has honestly figured that one out she should write a book entitled “Scheduling Quality Time with Your Children: How to Preplan a Life-changing Conversation that Takes Five Minutes or Less.”  It can’t be done.  At least not for me.  Quality time with my children grows out of quantity.  I don’t know what moment will make a lasting impression so I have to string together a lifetime of moments pointing in the same direction with the hope that the arrow of my life hits its mark.

So this Thanksgiving, quit waiting for the Great Pumpkin.  There will be no Perfect Holiday Gathering, no conversation that solves everything or resets your relational clock back to the beginning.  What there can be are opportunities to continue a lifetime conversation.  Maybe this year’s portion of that conversation will be memorable, very possibly not.

The only caveat I would offer is to those who feel they need to begin a new conversation or to reframe an existing one.  That may mean admitting mistakes, asking forgiveness, or listening without trying to fix the other person.  In that case, this Thanksgiving is a great time to begin.  One caution: Rather than announce your attempt at a new conversation or desire to redirect an existing one, just express what you need to without putting all that pressure on this one moment.  Don’t spend this holiday continuing your vigil for The Perfect Holiday Gathering.  Release yourself and others from that pressure.  Give thanks for what is growing in your pumpkin patch.

Technorati Tags: public orations,charles shultz,great pumpkin,busy parents,communication events,mythical figure,profound difference,alliteration,cumulative effect,sermons,perfect holiday,fallacy,linus,peanuts

“I love you” is reason enough

There were times in our marriage where my wife would ask me to do something – run an errand with her, for example – and I would agree to go.  Then she’d ask if I was doing it because I wanted to and I would say that it was not because I wanted to but because I love her.

She found this less than satisfying, but we don’t lie to each other and I didn’t see any reason to begin just so she would get the answer she wanted.  Besides, I am a terrible liar and she always seems to know when I am shading the truth (like when I’ve tried to keep a surprise from her).

Recently we went geocaching and I told her I was glad to be there because I love her – she looked at me and said, “I know you didn’t want to come, but I appreciate you being here.”  So, at least for us, “I love you” is reason enough.

Technorati Tags: liar,marriage,surprise,truth,i love you

“Killer Bunnies”–Despite the Name, A Great Family Game

OK, there’s just no way around the name – “Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot.”  I wasn’t too excited when I first heard that my kids had gone off to camp this summer and become addicted to this game, introduced to them by their cousins.

If, however, you are looking for a game that middle schoolers and high schoolers can both enjoy, this is it.

The objective of “Killer Bunnies” is straightforward – end the game with at least one living bunny and at least one carrot, and you have a shot of having the winning carrot (preselected without any player’s knowledge prior to the start of the game).

If you’re following, you can see that winning is the result of random luck – you have a living bunny (that takes skill) and the winning carrot (it takes skill to collect and keep carrots, but is sheer luck if you happen to have the winning carrot).  Despite the randomness of the outcome, the game is a lot of fun.

To be honest, my wife has not taken a liking to the game, but I have and enjoy playing it with my children and their friends.  There are additional packs of cards that can be added to the starter set to provide additional bunnies, carrots, as well as new and inventive ways for your bunnies to die.  Much of the game is a spoof on pop culture – that’s part of what makes it so much fun.

You can find the game here, at game stores, or on sites such as eBay.

Technorati Tags: game,high schoolers,carrots,killer bunnies,spoof,pop culture,middle schoolers,bunny