Learning from the movies – The King’s Speech

Last night my wife and I watched “The King’s Speech” (rated R for language).  It was a reminder of many lessons:

1) Childhood traumas and the self-perception we develop as children impact us as adults.  We cannot leave our childhoods behind like a caboose released from a moving train, that slowly rolls to a stop and fades in the distance while we continue our journey without it.

2) Being part of the royal family isn’t as glamorous as it might appear from the outside.  There are simple pleasures and freedoms that we commoners enjoy.

3) There is hope – life isn’t a static state moving toward a predetermined end.  We can change.  We can learn.  We can grow.

4) Change and growth require humility as we admit our need and are willing to learn from others, including people that may not share our rank or station in life.

5) Formal education and degrees are never a replacement for experience and the application of common sense principles.

6) Some people really do love us for who we are – whether king or pauper.

7) We all need friends, even if our “friends” are not the all-inclusive soul-mates who can share every aspect of our lives.

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Hassle theory of love – and employment

I was with a client recently, talking about how someone had responded to two people in similar circumstances quite differently.  It reminded me of my hassle theory of love.

Back when I was single, I used to say that I knew I was in love when I was willing to put up with the hassles.  Being single makes scheduling, decision-making, TV-watching, eating, and spending money easier because you don’t have to factor in the interests of another.  But when you’re in love you put up with the hassles because it’s worth it.

The reason the person my client and I were discussing had responded differently to two people in similar circumstances was because with the one person it wasn’t worth the hassle and with the other it was.

So I realized this theory applies to business relationships as well.  Why do some people get away with certain behaviors while others don’t?  Because the first set of people are worth the hassles, the second set aren’t.

What makes someone in business worth the hassles?  They’re well connected, they are brilliant in some key area, they are otherwise quite likeable, they have been loyal for many years, and so on.

Why am I married?  Because Judy’s friendship and presence were worth any hassle I might ever experience.  I trust she feels the same.

Kids? The difference with kids is that you don’t get to experience the hassles (not really – babysitting and visiting friends with kids don’t truly count because you get to leave) until you’ve made the commitment and, for reasonably functional individuals, divorcing your kids is much more difficult than divorcing your spouse.

That’s why I’m often reminded of Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart” (NASB).  I must be cautious that I don’t make my parenting such a hassle to my children that they lose heart.  Sure they’ll put up with a lot coming from me, just as I do with them.  But I must be careful that I don’t take advantage of their love, especially as I am to be the mature adult in the relationship.

Hassles are the cost of meaningful relationship.  Just be thankful you get to experience them with people you love.  Because the cost of a hassle-free life is relational isolation.

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Watching what you watch

According to our children we are the most restrictive parents on the planet.  I find that amusing, in part, because I know two things: 1) How I was raised, and 2) How some of our friends are raising their children.

One area we’ve tried to hold the line – and a significant reason for our “most restrictive parents” award – is in what our children view.  We are not nearly as restrictive as some when it comes to “screen time,” but we are more restrictive than many when it comes to content.  I guess you could say we are lenient on the quantity and restrictive on the quality.

For one thing, my kids know more about animals than I ever will.  Animal Planet deserves credit for part of this education.  And while I don’t find many of the comedies directed at young teens all that funny, they are no worse than the fare on which I was raised (Gilligan’s Island, Brady Bunch, Hogan’s Heroes, just to name a few).  [It turns out that Gilligan’s Island provided brilliant insight into the American democratic impulse – who knew?  Follow the link to read the article.]

Recently I read a story (in a book that I will feature in an upcoming newsletter) about a young girl whose relationship with her father was undermined because of something she saw on TV and didn’t know how to process properly.  The gist is that she thought all men were sexual predators and that her birth must be due to her father’s sexual aggression toward her mother.  Her family physician was able to help her reframe what she had seen and thereby to reassess her father’s character.

The point is quite simple – sometimes we forget that people really do develop over time and that our experiences shape our interpretation of what we see. When we, as adults, watch a movie or television show, we are able to put the actions and dialogue into the context of our life experience.  When children or young teens watch the same movie or television show they often lack (thankfully) the life experiences of an adult and so process what they see differently – or, sometimes, really have no idea how to process what they are seeing (consider the young girl mentioned in the preceding paragraph).

That’s why it’s important to watch what we allow our children to watch.  There are many things worse than being the most restrictive parents your children know. Besides if your children are like ours, they’ve learned to use hyperbole to bolster an otherwise sagging case.

Resource: I recommend With Kids in Mind – I use this when deciding what movies our children will be allowed to view.  It helps me to wield my “most restrictive” parenting power judiciously.  As I’m sure you know, the PG movie of the 70s and 80s is often the PG-13 movie of today, and not all PG-13 movies are created equal.  That’s where a tool like With Kids in Mind really helps.

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The value of secondary friendships

Hopefully you have friends and hopefully they extend beyond a collection of Facebook walls, LinkedIn contacts and Twitter followers – actual people with whom you can sit down over a cup of coffee.

What happens when your life is in turmoil and you feel as though you will damage those relationships if you are entirely honest about your struggles and the challenges you face?  What if your friends tire of your travails and eventually begin screening your calls?  What then?

That’s where you’ll see the value of secondary friendships – people who genuinely care and are willing to listen, but who aren’t a part of your everyday life.  We had the opportunity to serve as secondary friends to a couple in crisis.  We went out to dinner and listened (although I warned them that as a professional advice-giver I might have some ideas for them).  I don’t know that anything was solved, but they felt freedom to be honest while knowing that we weren’t the people they would be rubbing shoulders with tomorrow.

Seek out secondary friends when needed.  Be a secondary friend to another.  Professional counseling has its place, but sometimes having a secondary friend who will listen is just what you need.

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