Do Millennials Have a Work Ethic? Yes, They Can Do Hard Things

Yes – everyone has a work ethic.

But many employers claim that millennials (or Generation Y), those in their early 30s and below, have “no work ethic.”  They don’t want to show up on time, stay until closing, and do the things that need to be done unprompted and without direct supervision.

My high school son works at Five Guys restaurant with a young man in his early 30s who lives at home with mom and dad, can’t drive because he has lost his license, attended college, but is clearly underemployed.  Some would blame this on the government, some on the economy, and others on his lack of motivation.

Enter Do Hard Things, a book written by millennials to millennials urging them to rise above low expectations and accomplish what matters.  One friend told us that her college daughter had decided to minor in French because she was inspired to do the hard thing.  Her friends had urged her to take the easy path and not to tackle the language courses that might challenge her, but she persevered and spent part of this past summer in West Africa speaking French as she volunteered at a mission hospital.

So this Labor Day, let’s celebrate hard work, discipline, and the hope that no generation is beyond an exemplary work ethic when they are inspired to accomplish great things.  Here’s to helping our children Do Hard Things (click on the title to be taken to Amazon to read more about the book or to order it for your millennials).

Technorati Tags: work ethic,lack of motivation,mom and dad,millennials,easy path,generation y,low expectations,labor day

Other adults are influencing our children

That heading is self-evident.  We’ve known this since the time our children headed off to school.  It’s been true of the activities they’ve joined, the camps they’ve attended, and the innumerable other venues in which we’ve placed them.

Still, it can’t be ignored when your teenage son suddenly exhibit behaviors you weren’t expecting, only to find out that they are due, in large measure, to the influence of another adult in his life.

This summer our oldest began attending a Bible study with other young men.  The group is led by a 20-something engineering student working on his master’s.

We began to take notice when our son emptied the dishwasher unprompted, decided to get up early to study and read, memorized scripture, and was motivated to be productive in ways not typical for him.

For me, this was a great precursor to next year – his freshman year of college.  It reminded me that we are entering a phase of life where other adults will have significant impact on our children’s lives – at times it will feel as though the voices of those others are more influential than ours.

New voices attract attention.  New voices often articulate the same message you’ve been speaking, but using different words and images.  New voices are interesting – in part, because they are new.

As our children become independent adults, we must be cautious to not quit speaking into their lives, while being prepared that they may hear other speakers more readily for a time.  What we have in our favor is the bond of family, the power of repetition, and the home court advantage.  We’ve just got to be judicious in exercising that advantage and recalibrate our expectations to be realistic.

This time around I’m thankful for the outside voice and am praying for many more like it.

Technorati Tags: new voices,teenage son,adult

Kitty Cam – exposing the secret lives of cats

For all of you cat owners – listen up!

Recently I heard a report on NPR about researchers from the University of Georgia who had attached miniature cameras to housecats to observe their behavior.  They studied 55 cats from the Athens, GA, area and this is what they found:

• 44% exhibited hunting behavior.
• 30% were successful in hunting.
• Animals killed (in decreasing frequency) were reptiles, small mammals, invertebrates (such as earthworms and moths), and birds.
• Although birds were stalked, sometimes for hours, very few were captured.
• The most interesting finding – many cats had second families that fed and cared for them while they were away from their primary residence.

One recommendation the researchers made – purchase a cat bib to keep your cat from being able to pounce on prey (see the picture).

You can hear the report by clicking on this link.

 

 

 

 

Technorati Tags: small mammals,miniature cameras,athens ga,earthworms,moths,bib,npr,university of georgia,prey,birds,cats,hunting,housecats

Good Intentions Aren’t Good Enough

This past weekend we had 14 people staying in our home – a family reunion of sorts.  My sister and I each provide Myers-Briggs Type Indicator training to organizations and often get into discussions about personality type and its implications.  Since we are somewhat different in our types we bring contrasting perspectives to those conversations.

She pointed out that for many people intentions are real and feel as though they should count for something.  I pointed out that for many people intentions are indications of what may become real but are valueless if they don’t translate into actual behavior and results.

You may have seen the story about the 80-year-old woman in Spain who intended to restore a fresco of Jesus in her church.  Here is the before and after.  I take this as definitive proof that good intentions aren’t good enough.

Think about this as a conversation starter with your children – helping them to consider whether they think intentions should count for something or whether they are focused on results alone. You may learn something about your children’s wiring and how it relates to / differs from your own.  You may also want to sign them up for art classes.

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Yellowstone, The Who, and American Freedom

Three weeks ago our family was in Yellowstone watching Old Faithful spout off yet again.  Afterwards we headed to the Old Faithful Snow Lodge for lunch.  Needing to use the restroom, I headed for the facilities.

The background music was an acoustic version of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”  Now while Pete Townsend is British and his interpretation of his lyrics has evolved over time, it’s not difficult to listen to the song in the context of the early 70s and hear an anti-war, anti-establishment message.

I thought: “I wonder if there are political protest songs playing in the bathrooms of Beijing – more specifically, in the bathrooms of China’s National-level Scenic and Historic Interest Areas?”  (OK, I didn’t really know that’s what they call their national parks.)  When I shared this over lunch, my wife asked: “That’s what you think about in the bathroom?”

So, this July 4th, regardless of your political persuasion and your perceptions of this country’s trajectory, celebrate the freedom to hear protest music playing in the bathrooms of our national parks and pray we don’t get fooled again!

Technorati Tags: political persuasion,old faithful,protest music,protest songs,political protest,pete townsend,restroom,freedom,national parks,trajectory,perceptions,beijing,the who

Thanks for the laughter!

Our family loves to laugh together.  The best laughs come from unexpected places.

Watching this year’s American Idol finale provided a rush of endorphins as we kept laughing at what we saw onscreen.

First were the wardrobe choices made by Fantasia and Chaka Khan.  I applaud those who see beauty in a variety of body images, but not all fashion choices really work. 

Then there was the duet between Jennifer Holiday and Jessica Sanchez – an awe-inspiring vocal performance overshadowed by Holiday’s contorted facial expressions (if you can still find the video online, you need to watch).

Anyway, laughing is good.  Laughing with people, laughing at yourself, and sometimes, if we’re honest, laughing at others who aren’t intending to be funny.

Technorati Tags: american idol finale,fashion choices,facial expressions,body images,chaka khan,vocal performance,endorphins,fantasia,jennifer holiday,jessica sanchez,laughter

Television goes to the dogs

My views on TV can be summed up pretty easily:

• Some TV is actually beneficial – educationally, recreationally, relationally.
• Some TV is mind-numbing but probably not dangerous in moderation.
• Some TV is evil and threatening to one’s healthy development as a human being.

So it shouldn’t be surprising that someone has concluded that TV need not be just for humans.  The creators of Dog TV (click on the link to learn more) want to help your canine function more effectively.  For just $4.99 per month ($9.99 for the streaming option) your TV can babysit your dog, providing educational and emotional benefits in the process.

And yes, there’s a website called “Cat TV” (click on the link to read more).

Technorati Tags: dog tv,cat tv

Happy Birthday, Bob!

May 24, 2012, was Bob Dylan’s 71st birthday.  On May 29, Dylan was awarded the Medal of Freedom – the nation’s highest civilian award.

Those who know me well know that Dylan has played a significant role in my life over the past 30 years.  While I’m a fan, I’m not without integrity when it comes to evaluating his music.

So when I read “Hark! The Heralded Dylan Sings” (click on the title to read the article) I couldn’t help but laugh at portions, while not agreeing with all of the examples or the overall conclusion.  I must admit that Dylan’s recent Christmas album is painful to the ears (and that from someone who likes his voice).

Anyway, Bob, we’ll never meet on this earth, but I wish you “Happy Birthday” and many more creative moments captured in song.

Technorati Tags: christmas,medal of freedom,bob dylan,happy birthday

“Blame Somebody Else Day” – Whose fault is that?

Recently I learned that the first Friday the 13th of each year is officially “Blame Somebody Else Day.”  This year it came quite early – the 2nd week of January.  I’m not sure why the connection is made between Friday the 13th and blaming others, but I’m fairly confident some people thought that every day was BSED.

How about “Take Responsibility Lifetime?”  Many have lamented our victim culture – people who refuse to take responsibility for any of life’s ills or perceived slights.

While I know some would like us to believe that we can never really blame others because we are always responsible for our responses and emotions, I would take a somewhat amended view.  I do believe we are responsible for our responses and often for our emotions, but am persuaded that some emotional responses are close to being hard-wired and instinctual.  But that leaves a lot of room for recognition of our responsibility during our “Take Responsibility Lifetime.”

I’m hoping BSED fails to catch on, although as I noted it may not really matter since some people live as though it is BSED perpetually.

Let’s teach our kids to take responsibility, to exercise control where possible (i.e., self-control), and to exert influence to achieve right results in the world around them.  What they don’t need is another excuse to blame somebody else!

Technorati Tags: victim culture,blame game,emotional responses,first friday the 13th,self control,excuse,take responsibility lifetime

The ladder of social standing – making the choice that is best for you vs. the choice that is perceived as best by others

Tuesday we had a conversation over dinner about the percussion section within marching band.  The gist of the discussion was that there is a natural hierarchy to the instruments played within the percussion section and that choosing to move from a higher instrument to a lower instrument is socially unacceptable.

I attempted to point out that any such hierarchy is simply a creation of the community and as such a person who is secure should be able to play whichever instrument at whatever point in his musical career he chooses.  That argument made little headway among our three teenagers and reminded me again that we often accept community-defined hierarchies as though they are reality.

First a quiz and then I’ll turn to us as adults.

QUIZ: Put the following instruments into ascending order of social standing among the percussion section.

A) Marching bass drum

B) Marching snare

C) Marching quads

D) Cymbals

Adults: Do we fall into the same trap when it comes to the zip code in which we live, the make of car we drive, and the labels in our clothing?  Of course, as adults we have sophisticated explanations as to why our choices are the appropriate ones and how we have discerned some real difference of significance among the choices.  I have no problem with that as long as we are being honest with ourselves.  If a person used to drive a Lexus and now drives a Hyundai, must that reflect a loss in social standing or could it be that the Hyundai is the best choice for this person at this time?

Are you trapped on the ladder of social standing, always fearing that a perceived step back is a real loss?

Don’t allow the perceptions of others to control your behavior – that’s a lesson we are trying to teach our teenagers and one that many of us need to relearn.

ANSWER: In ascending order, the instruments are D, A, C, B.  Having reached the pinnacle of playing snare, one would never descend the mountain of instrumental greatness to play cymbals.  Trust me on this.

Twelve suggestions for the New Year – An Update

Here’s a brief recap of my twelve suggestions and an update on how I’m doing with each one.  I’ll post my score at the bottom.

#12: Write a handwritten note each month to someone who will appreciate receiving snail mail.

I did send a couple of handwritten cards earlier this year, but this one’s really a struggle for me. (0.5)

#11: Since eleven is the number of participants on a side in both versions of football, I encourage you to join a team this year – to be part of something larger than yourself, something (outside of work) where you share in the outcome with others.

Hasn’t happened yet.  Unless eating wings with friends at Fricker’s counts.  Didn’t think so. (0.0)

#10: The next time your family gathers for a grandparent's birthday celebration, have that person share one significant memory from each decade of his/her life.

Have done this in the past – need to revive this one for 2012.  Wow – so far I’m not off to a great start. (0.0)

#9: Only cats have nine lives.  Buckle up and put the phone down while driving.

Always wear a seatbelt.  Actually looked at a Bluetooth device for my phone the other day.  Probably not doing great on the phone (OK, that’s a fail). (0.5)

#8: Get eight hours of sleep. So I'm going to try and get in a routine that allows me to spend eight hours in bed even if not every minute is spent sleeping.

This was not a sexual reference as some read it to be.  I will say that I am doing much better about getting to bed earlier and getting more sleep. (1.0)

#7: Have a Sabbath rest each week.  This Jewish tradition is thousands of years old and just as needed today.  For me personally, a Sabbath rest is a reminder that I need to trust in the presence and provision of God.

Doing well on this one – I’ve been consciously considering it each weekend as I plan my days. (1.0)

#6: It's amazing how much energy many of us expend getting the parking spot closest to the door.  How about parking six spots beyond the closest and getting some additional exercise walking a few yards further each way?  It won't change your life, but may remind you of the need to keep moving those joints.  Of course, if it's pouring, get as close as possible.

Actually have thought about this a lot and am working to make it happen. (1.0)

#5: Lose five pounds by no longer drinking sugary drinks.  The average American consumes 20 teaspoons of sugar per day, much of it in sugary drinks.  My problem is I rarely drink soda, so I'll have to find another way to lose those pounds.

Sugary drink intake hasn’t changed for me – already drink so little in that category.  As I said, I need to find another way to lose those pounds. (0.5)

#4: Read one book a quarter - that's one book every three months.

I’m doing this and loving my Kindle in the process.  For one thing, my Kindle is used only for reading (I know you can set up your e-mail accounts on your Kindle, but that would just be one more place I would be distracted). (1.0)

#3: Think of three people from your past to thank for their contributions to your life.  I did this a while back and the responses were wonderful.

I’m still counting the notes I sent in the recent past – I just need to sit down and think of another three people to thank.  That shouldn’t be too hard! (0.5)

#2: Travel to two places this year that you've never been to before.  Choose one local destination (every community has interesting spots worth visiting - don't they?) and one at a distance.

Before the year’s out we’re headed to Mt. Rushmore – that’s my faraway spot.  Not sure about the local destination – have to keep working on that one. (0.5)

#1: Once a day tell someone "I love you."

This is not a struggle for me.  I love words of affirmation and try to give them freely, especially within my family. (1.0)

That’s a 7.5 out of 12.  Probably a “D” but since it’s only March, I’ll recast that as a positive and say I’m off to a reasonable start.  Have to update you later this year.

What’s your score so far in 2012?

Love Language #5

The fifth love language is physical touch.

This isn’t just a reference to sexual activity, but to simple everyday expressions of presence and caring.  Hugs, light touches to face, pats on the back, and holding hands all qualify.

For those who are married and have children at home, the next step after identifying your spouse’s primary love language, is to determine the love languages of your children.  This will help to reinforce your genuine affection for your children in ways that they understand and appreciate.

Start speaking the love languages of others and see how much better they understand you!

Click here for a link to the book on Amazon.

Click here for a link to my Effective Family Communication newsletter archive.  You’ll find the first four love languages in February’s newsletter.

Ten Lessons from 25 Years of Marriage

Judy and I have been asked to speak at a Valentine’s Day dinner for the young couples from our church.  Until recently we wanted to think we were a “young couple,” but as we approach 25 years of marriage this summer, we can no longer keep up that charade.

Here are the ten insights we are sharing – of course, we’ll provide some illustrations and explanations when we speak tonight.  Hope one is of interest and value to you.

1. Judy: Give up the need to be right on all of the details.
2. Stephen: You can win the argument and lose the heart of your spouse
3. Judy: Speak your spouse’s love language / understand their personality type (Myers-Briggs).
4. Stephen: Pick a personality assessment, know it, and apply its insights to your relationship.
5. Judy: Don’t air your spouse’s issues to friends.
6. Stephen: Read the books, listen to the speakers (like us), and then do what works for you.  Make your marriage your own.
7. Judy: We are good at forgiving and forgetting.
8. Stephen: Quit hinting and mindreading – say “This is what I need from you.”
9. Judy: Be your spouse’s best friend.
10. Stephen: Spend money on your relationship – invest in dating (babysitters when kids are young) and time away.

May you have a blessed culturally mandated expression of love on February 14th!

Technorati Tags: myers briggs,valentine's day,personality assessment,young couples,best friend,babysitters,insights,marriage,heart,love,money

Celebrating difference – Where do you get your energy?

We are a highly extroverted family – “the loud family” is what we call ourselves.  But our youngest is an introvert through and through.  That has led us to modify our parenting style with him to make sure we aren’t asking him to live his life according to our energy preferences (extroverts get their energy from activity in the outside world and from other people; introverts get their energy internally, from reflection, and independent activity).

Yesterday Judy called out from her computer: “I’m entering a contest where we can win dinner for 20 at Maggiano’s.”

Our youngest, without missing a beat, responded: “Who would even want to eat with 19 other people?”

Exactly.

His suggestion.  Take four friends so that each of them get four dinners.  I think he ended up concluding that it might be best to dine alone and get all 20 dinners.

Make sure that you aren’t trying to help others gain energy in the way that works for you.  You may be sucking the life out of them instead!

Technorati Tags: parenting style,maggiano's,loud family,energy,introvert,reflection,extrovert

Top Five Regrets of the Dying – What are your priorities?

I’m sitting here listening to the new compilation of Dylan covers: Chimes of Freedom (click on the title for a link to the album).  Specifically to Jeff Beck’s version of “Like a Rolling Stone” – “How does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?”  So I’m feeling a bit reflective.

One of my clients just sent me the link to an article written by Bronnie Ware (click on the preceding highlight for a link to the article).  Bronnie worked for years with those nearing death and she cataloged their top five regrets.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I don’t necessarily agree with each of her interpretations or applications related to these five regrets, but I find the regrets interesting.  To me they seem to circle around the term “priorities.”

We must make choices about what we want out of this life and what we are willing to do to achieve those priorities.

Probably the most powerful part of her article for me was the following: “It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”  I’ve seen people who are disabled or in poor health live meaningful lives, but she is correct that there is a freedom that health provides – one we often take for granted.

So what will you do today, this month, this year to minimize your regrets?

How will you teach your children to live a life of minimal regrets?

Technorati Tags: chimes of freedom,jeff beck,rolling stone,priorities,regrets,bronnie ware

Producing reasonably secure individuals – #’s 11 & 12

This is the continuation of a list from this month’s Effective Family Communication newsletter (you can sign up by clicking on “Receive Our Newsletter” in the upper right corner of this page).

#11: Protecting them even when they say they don't need or want protecting.

This is difficult because our kids may resist our attempts to protect them while still needing it.  They need boundaries regarding where they may go, with whom, when, and what they may do while there.  Don’t abdicate your role as parent because a teenager says he/she doesn’t need your help.

#12: Letting them suffer consequences so they learn that mistakes matter, even if unintentional.

This is the other side of the same coin.  Protecting our children doesn’t mean shielding them from all consequences.  For many young adults the consequences their parents allow them to experience are some of the most memorable seasons of learning.

I’m sure you’ve got other suggestions for producing reasonably secure individuals.  I’d love to hear them!

Technorati Tags: protect,boundaries,consequences,teenager,parents,love

Talking about zits

As a home with three teenagers it was time for a conversation about zits. So my wife bought skin cleanser – a face wash with an active ingredient to fight the buildup of bacteria on our children’s faces.

Some areas of life have been dramatically altered since we were teens – has anyone walked across the room to change the channel on a TV recently, been unable to move away from the phone base due to the length of the cord, or gone to the library to look at an atlas?

Other things really don’t change.  When I was growing up I was told that I could reduce the number of zits by doing three things: 1) Washing my face regularly, 2) Not touching my face with my hands, and 3) Avoiding greasy foods and chocolate (that’s just crazy!).

Now I’m not talking about serious acne problems, just the typical teenage experience.  If you go online and research “zits” – something we couldn’t do when we were teens – you’ll see that the advice remains pretty much the same.  For #3 above, substitute “Eat a balanced diet and avoid greasy food, starchy foods, and chocolate” (isn’t this pretty much the American diet these days?).  Add #4, “Get plenty of sleep so that your hormones are as balanced as possible and your body is prepared to fight the acne-causing bacteria on your skin.”  And #5, “Avoid cheap makeup and don’t wear it to bed” (not something with which I ever had to deal).

You pick your top remedies, but don’t avoid the conversation.  Your kids will benefit from knowing that you had zits when you were young and that you may actually have some wisdom in dealing with them.  Just make sure that the focus is on helping them through one of the natural difficulties of life without focusing on issues of appearance or beauty as the ultimate objective.  This is just another opportunity for them to learn how to keep things in perspective.

Technorati Tags: acne problems,greasy food,starchy food,balanced diet,skin cleanser,face wash,hormones,bacteria,acne,makeup,chocolate

Warnings vs. Tickets

I was at lunch yesterday with a friend and we were discussing strong-willed children.  He said he had heard an interesting distinction made between issuing warnings and tickets.

Children are given a choice between receiving a warning with a corresponding lecture OR receiving a ticket – no lecture, just corrective action.

With strong-willed children, however, we sometimes give too many warnings, spend too much time negotiating during lectures, and the child avoids any corrective action.  What he had heard was that with strong-willed children you may need to give more tickets and fewer warnings (without giving the child the choice between the two).

Interesting idea.

Technorati Tags: strong willed children,ticket,corrective action,warning,lecture

Family Viewing Suggestion – “Human Planet”

“There’s so little good to watch these days.”  “Everything on TV is garbage.”

Common sentiments, but not ones I find convincing.  In fact, I would say there is a lot more worth watching these days then when I was growing up.  There is, however, a lot of inappropriate advertising even in the midst of worthwhile programming (the ad for Mike & Molly that appeared during football the other night was not appropriate for a younger family audience), and a lot of programming is garbage (do I really need to list examples?).

[Warning – lack of clear segue.]

I had a great Christmas this year, largely because I was able to surprise those I love with special gifts.  I was also surprised by some of my gifts - great music from my kids and a wonderful Blu-ray series that my nephew purchased.

If you enjoyed the splendor of Planet Earth, then you’ll love Human Planet (click on the links to view the items on Amazon).  The content isn’t rated – I would say some of what we’ve seen would garner a PG (perhaps even PG-13) for subject matter.  It is a reminder both of how amazing people are and how thankful I am to live where I do.

So if you have teens or are willing to watch selectively, I would recommend Human Planet highly.

Technorati Tags: david attenborough,human planet,family audience,pg 13,planet earth