Suggestion #11 from Twelve Suggestions for the New Year

Sign up for my monthly newsletter to read the other eleven suggestions – click HERE to sign up.  If you’ve missed the delivery date (Dec 26, 5:30 AM, EST), then check out my NEWSLETTER ARCHIVE to read December’s newsletter (you may need to wait a couple of days after Dec 26 for it to appear).

Eleven is the most difficult number on the list because there aren’t a lot of naturally occurring sets of eleven.  Eleven Warriors is a blog dedicated to The Ohio State University football – something of interest to me, but perhaps not to you.

Eleven Madison Park is a restaurant in NYC.  Eleven Mile State Park has a reservoir that is a favorite among Colorado fisherman.  The Eleventh Circuit Court in CA is a US appeals court – not nearly as famous (or infamous, depending upon your politics) as the Ninth Circuit Court in San Francisco.

From Wikipedia: “Eleven is the first number which cannot be counted with a human's eight fingers and two thumbs additively. In English, it is the smallest positive integer requiring three syllables and the largest prime number with a single-morpheme name.”  See what I mean – it is an oddity.

So, drumroll. . . here it is, Suggestion #11.

#11: Since eleven is the number of participants on a side in both versions of football, I encourage you to join a team this year – to be part of something larger than yourself, something (outside of work) where you share in the outcome with others.

May you have a blessed 2012!  I’d love to hear your responses to my Twelve Suggestions.

Technorati Tags: ohio state university football,eleven madison park,eleventh circuit court,prime number,newsletter archive,team

“I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous”

I saw this on a T-shirt worn by a restaurant server years ago and have never forgotten it (which given my memory is saying something).

As Christmas approaches and we head into the final day of desperation gift-buying, I thought I would remind us of three “sayings” that bear repeating.

1. “Be careful what you wish for” – this lesson has been learned by many characters of fables and fairy tales, but here in the real world we still seem to struggle with its application.  This is the reminder that the power granted may not be worth the cost, or in the case of “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous,” may be self-defeating.  Not everything we want would make life better and, in some cases, would make it appreciably worse.
2. “You can’t make some people happy” – some gifts really are about the thought because there’s just no way to make some people happy.  That’s why gift receipts were invented and why gift exchanges allow for guilt-free regifting.  When you really can’t decide what to give, just give to let the person know you love them and are thinking of them.
3. In the words of Jesus, “It [really] is more blessed to give than to receive.”  I always want to give something of value that will be meaningful and appreciated, but in the end I’ll settle for the joy of giving.

May you have a blessed celebration with those you love!

Technorati Tags: fables and fairy tales,christmas,gift exchanges,words of jesus,right arm,sayings,t shirt,ambidextrous

“Doctor, everywhere I touches hurts!”

“Your finger is broken.”

I actually chuckled at that joke from Lou Holtz last evening while being one of five people watching the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (I kid you not, that was the name).

It’s a good reminder that sometimes we misdiagnose our problems and need someone with a different perspective to set us straight.

Just saying, during this holiday season things will get said.  Some of them will hurt.  Some of them will be true.  Some will be observations from others that are different from our observations.  Pain can be an opportunity to learn.

Easier said than done, but still true.  Just don’t inflict the pain intentionally.

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A commitment that will lessen your holiday season stress!

For many, the holidays are stressful.

• Gift-giving brings joy along with concerns that our giving will be appropriate and appreciated.  Worse, is it perfectly balanced among all recipients?
• Gatherings bring family members together along with all of their unresolved issues.
• Holiday greetings (cards, e-mails, letters) encourage us to share the positive while ignoring the more complex realities of our lives.
• Significant unhappy events that have occurred around the holidays tinge the season with a reminder of loss.
• Unrealistic optimism suggests that this may be the year when everything comes together perfectly and we experience what until now has only been imagined.

There’s a wonderful phrase from Scripture that comes to mind often, but is certainly applicable during this season – “speaking the truth in love.”

This goes beyond the ubiquitous advice of our mothers – “If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all” – and encourages us to combine truth-speaking with a genuine commitment to the welfare of others.

Don’t hint.  Don’t lie.  Don’t avoid.  Speak the truth.  But speak it in such a way that you demonstrate your love and concern for the other.

If you don’t want the sweet potatoes with marshmallows, say so, but do it in a way that takes the cook’s feelings into account.  If you’d prefer to not go all out with the lights this year, say so, but remember how important they may be to your spouse or children (this explains my presence on the ladder one evening earlier this week, but also accounts for the absence of our humongous outdoor wreath this year – Judy and I spoke truth and compromised on our preferences.).

May your holidays be blessed with all the joy you can imagine and then a bit more.  Start with a commitment to speaking the truth in love, then hide the scales, and enjoy the company of those you love!

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The third element of healthy emotional expression

In addition to frequency and intensity, a third element that should be considered when determining the health of one’s emotional expression is duration (frequency and intensity were the focus of this month’s Effective Family Communication newsletter – sign up to receive the newsletter by clicking the link at the top right-hand side of this page).

It is important that we distinguish between aspects of life that are transitory and those that should be durable. My commitment to my wife is durable; my commitment to this keyboard is transitory. If this keyboard breaks, I walk to my closet, pull out another one, and go on with my life. If my wife falls ill, I remain committed to her, and don't merely go looking for another companion.

But some durable emotions are unhealthy.  Carrying a grudge takes a toll on you emotionally, relationally, and physically.  That’s why forgiveness is so important not only for the other person, but for you as well.

In fact, because reconciliation can be offered, but cannot be forced upon another, sometimes forgiveness only really benefits you as you extend it to someone who chooses to reject it.  (Trust me, as parents, we’ve all tried forced reconciliation with our children – “Now, tell your brother you are sorry and give him a hug.”  That’s real effective.)

How can you help your children discern whether their responses to strong emotions are appropriate?  Teach them to gauge the frequency, intensity, and duration of their responses, as well as the appropriate mix of those factors for different types of situations.

This is a lifelong learning process that benefits the learner and everyone with whom she interacts.

Technorati Tags: healthy emotional expression,family communication,frequency,intensity,duration

Recalculating – One of life’s critical skills

Once we entered the world of DVRs, two things happened.  We rarely watch live television and, when possible, we avoid commercials.  But we actually stop and watch the Allstate “mayhem” commercials.  I’m sure you must have seen them.  There’s one where “mayhem” (guy in the picture below with a bandage on his head) acts as the car’s GPS and causes an accident as he suddenly recalculates and instructs the driver to change directions.

We refer to our GPS as "Jill” and have this sense that when we deviate from the course and she has to keep adapting, that her tone gets less pleasant each time she says, “Recalculating.”  I’m sure it is imagined, but it seems real.

Recalculating is an important skill as we adapt our path on life’s journey in response to changing circumstance, impediments, and opportunities.  Blindly persisting may appeal to some, but it’s certainly not an effective strategy.

Teaching our children to adapt and change depends in part on their natural inclinations.

• Some people crave change and must be encouraged to persist when the road gets bumpy.
• Others resist change and must be encouraged to adapt lest they run into the oncoming wall.

Consider how you can teach your children to recalculate effectively.  Real-life accidents aren’t funny.

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Parenting partners – Thank one today!

Judy has been away for 10 days.  We’ve done this before.  I’ve traveled for up to two weeks overseas and she has gone to help with family.  But this certainly isn’t the preference for either of us.

When we first had children we made the decision for Judy to stay home as a full-time mom.  I worked lots of hours to offset the expenses associated with living in NY (for example, we paid a tax for each garbage can that we put out – NY had very creative taxes).

At some point, I don’t remember exactly when, we had a conversation that was difficult, but important.  We realized that parenting couldn’t be 50/50.  If I was going to work two jobs and Judy was going to be home full-time then parenting was going to fall more on her than on me.  I still have trouble putting that into writing, wondering if it sounds as though I was abandoning responsibility or putting too much on her, but it was our reality and it was part of the decision we had made to have her home.

I just wasn’t going to notice all the details like a child having his hair trimmed or know our children’s schedules the way she did.  Nor was she going to be thinking about my students (I taught college at the time) or campus politics as I was.

Recently I met with a young couple and was sharing this with them.  I was trying to encourage them that they need to negotiate their own situation – being honest about the implications of the decisions they have made.

Three suggestions:

1. Cut each other some slack – you may be focusing on different aspects of your lives.  Don’t consider that indifference but complementary vision allowing you to see a wider range of reality.
2. Date regularly – we spent thousands on dating while our children were small.
3. Listen to each other talk about life, even those parts that aren’t your bailiwick.  Don’t try to solve, just listen and then be willing to offer suggestions if asked (or for those who prefer directness, you can ask: “Do you want me to just listen or offer suggestions?”).

My point – parenting is not meant to be done alone.  Now that isn’t a slam on single parents, not at all.  In fact, it is times like the past 10 days that remind me how much I admire single parents and spouses of deployed military personnel.  I’m not sure it takes an entire village to raise children and for most of us, given what has happened to traditional American community, that isn’t an option.  Your neighbors may not know you, let alone the people of your village.

Every parent needs parenting partners.  For those who are married it begins with your spouse.  For those who are single it may be friends or family.  For Judy and me it includes my parents who live locally, as well as parents of our children’s friends, and relationships from church and community.  (My previous blog post was about the impact of our children’s band directors on their lives.)

During this season of giving thanks – why not thank someone who serves as a parenting partner?  You wouldn’t want to be doing this without them!

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You can’t do it alone – the blessing of other positive adults

You cannot possibly be there (wherever that may be) to influence your children at every turn. That’s why it’s so encouraging to find adults who can impact your children positively. That’s the way Judy and I feel about our children’s participation in the Centerville Jazz Band (the Centerville High School marching band).

This year their show was called “Killer Queen” and wove images of Cleopatra together with music from the classic rock group Queen. It was a crowd pleaser that brought them into the Bands of America semi-final round this past weekend in Indianapolis. They were in the top 20 out of more than 500 schools who participated in a Bands of America competition this past year.

Centerville is blessed with two outstanding marching band directors, Brandon Barrometti and Josh Baker, along with several staff members who work with the different band sections.

Three lessons our kids are learning from this experience:

1. What does it mean to win?  Winning is about learning and growth, not just coming out on top.
2. Winning well is recognizing one’s success without having to put others down to feel better about oneself.  Winning well is celebrating the success of other winners and learning from them.
3. Effective teamwork is a core competency in life.  We are communal by nature and must learn to work with others in a healthy and productive manner.  (I had the privilege of working with the band this year on the Six Steps to a Healthy Team.)

Don’t try to go it alone – we need each other.  Celebrate those adults who are making a positive impact in the lives of your children.  Start by telling them “thanks!”

Technorati Tags: queen,bands of america,centerville jazz band,cleopatra,high school marching band,effective teamwork,core competency,centerville high school

Guiding Children through Religion

Someone sent me this link to an audio program where three mothers share their spiritual journeys and how they convey their religious convictions to their children.

NPRs Guiding Children through Religion (The audio is 17 minutes long.)

There are three differing perspectives – a Muslim mother exposing her son to a wide range of religious beliefs, a Catholic mother struggling with her own faith in light of her daughter’s experiences with the church, and a Protestant mother who is looking to engender “sticky faith” in her children (follow the link to see her book on Amazon).

I encourage you to listen and reflect on your own approach to religious education.

Technorati Tags: spiritual journeys,religious convictions,catholic,religious education,npr,muslim,protestant,faith,religion

“Big Allowance” – Phase II

Last year we began a system with our oldest child called “Big Allowance” (that’s our catchy name for it).  The idea was that we gave him a monthly stipend equal to the cost of having him in our home (not counting utilities, groceries, or transportation).  It did include expenses related directly to him such as dining, clothing, cellphone, school fees, fun and entertainment, charitable giving, music lessons and instrument costs, and so forth.

We found a credit union (DayAir) that allowed him to open an account and provided a debit card.  Each month we wrote him a check which he deposited into his account.  He was then responsible for his expenses.  That was the theory.

Last year was a marginal success.  He learned that money is a necessity, that decisions have consequences, and that he spends too much on Otis Spunkmeyer cookies.  Unfortunately, like the government, we engaged in bailouts and exceptions.

This year we are adopting “Big Allowance Phase II.”  Here are the changes:

• The monthly allotment has increased (call it a cost-of-living adjustment).
• We now pay him in cash each month and he puts the cash into appropriately titled envelopes for his specific areas of expenses.
• We have said there will be no more bailouts or exceptions.  One example, if he had ordered his yearbook by today he would have saved $5, but since he does not have enough cash in his School Supplies envelope, he will save his money until he has enough and that means he will pay $5 more as a result.
• The envelopes have been marked as either RED or GREEN. Red means the category is non-discretionary and he may not take money from that envelope to spend on another area.  Green means the category is discretionary and can be redistributed.

We’ll let you know about Phase III next year.  The good news, he’s still a high school junior and has some time to sort this out before he gets to college and faces the salesperson in the student union determined to sign him up for a credit card.

Technorati Tags: otis spunkmeyer cookies,dayair,cost of living adjustment,stipend,debit card,big allowance

Dedication – What does it look like?

In the “a picture is worth a thousand words” category, we have this photo from our friends in Thailand.

Two takeaways: 1) This is what dedication looks like, and 2) Maybe our children aren’t as addicted to video games as I might sometimes imagine (i.e., it could be worse!).

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The question to ask is “Who are you becoming?”

The PSAT was administered yesterday.  If you aren’t aware, it is the standardized test taken by high school juniors in preparation for the SAT and in hopes of earning scholarships through the National Merit Scholar program.

This was just the latest reminder that our oldest child will be heading off to college in the not-too-distant future.  We are exploring options (where?) and reasons (why?) in selecting both a school and major.  One question that is often asked of children and teens is “What do you want to do?”

The truth today is that most young people will have multiple careers over the course of their adult lives.  I’m on my 4th or 5th career, depending upon how one counts (professional student, minister, college professor, educational entrepreneur, and consultant).

This multiple-career reality can remind us that life isn’t primarily about what you do, but who you are becoming and how that becoming is reflected in your current “what I do.”

Similarly, the question “What do you want to do?” may suggest that real life awaits somewhere in the future; that you are making decisions today that will be of consequence once you really start to live.

I always bristle when people suggest that children and teens are preparing for life as though they aren’t living now.  Children and teens are people – not yet fully mature (but who is?) – who are living real lives of consequence in the present.

So at every stage of life I prefer to ask: “Who are you becoming?”

Technorati Tags: stage of life,consequence,making decisions,adult,truth,what do you want to do,who are you becoming

Sending signals – Like grammar, attitudes are caught

When I was a college professor, I would pick on my colleagues who taught English, asking why after taking both College Writing I and College Writing II, our students were such poor communicators.  The answer?  Grammar is caught more than it is taught.  Much of our mastery of grammar comes through listening to those with whom we grow up and is well established before we ever set foot in kindergarten.  That doesn’t mean people are incapable of improving their grammatical skills as they grow older, it just means they may be working against a deeply ingrained set of habits.

The other night Judy and I attended the open house at our children’s high school.  As we walked through their schedules, we came to a class where the teacher was going around the room, making comments about each child as the parents said their names.  Everything was quite positive – “Susie, she sits up front and asks great questions.  Sanjay is quiet and respectful – does well on his homework” and so forth.  Then she came to a set of parents and when they identified their child’s name, the teacher’s face took on a stern look and she said, “He needs a kick in the pants.  He needs to develop a work ethic.”

What the teacher couldn’t see was the back of the father’s shirt.  It was why I started laughing and jabbed Judy to make sure she was looking at his shirt.  It read: “Work sucks.”

Evidently attitudes about work and grammar are both caught more than they are taught.  This should remind us that we need to be careful what signals we are sending, particularly when we aren’t thinking consciously about teaching our children.  That’s when they are listening, watching, and learning to emulate.  What signals are you sending?

Technorati Tags: work ethic,grammatical skills,communicators,grammar,kindergarten,attitudes,parents,caught,taught

Laughter – The End of the Story

This post is actually a follow-up to my Effective Family Communication newsletter that will be published tomorrow (confusing, I know, but such is the world of automated e-mail).  [Sign up for my monthly newsletters by clicking on this link.]

Death by laughter is the subject of much debate (perhaps not in your circles, but on the Internet virtually any topic is the subject of much debate).  Snopes, the website dedicated to determining whether commonly reported stories are true, has a page entitled “The Last Laugh’s on Him.”  It corroborates the story about English bricklayer, Alex Mitchell, who died while laughing at the TV show The Goodies.

Wikipedia, on its page entitled “Death from Laughter,” notes that Mitchell’s widow sent a letter to The Goodies thanking those involved for making her husband’s final moments happy ones.  I’m all for feedback, but really?

Anyway, as I say in my newsletter, my view of the subject can be summarized as: “Laughter, It’s Worth the Risk.”

Technorati Tags: alex mitchell,death,snopes,last laugh,deceased spouse,effective family communication,wikipedia,laughter

Strategic Engagement – Learning to Read and Handle Your Teachers

It’s that time of year when students have begun figuring out their teachers (or professors) and are making decisions about how to handle assignments.  What happens when your worldview diverges significantly from that of your teacher?  Here are three strategies:

1. Give the teacher what she wants.
2. Stick to your guns and come out blazing.
3. Disguise your beliefs with a neutral tone (NOTE: Some courses require a neutral tone as part of communicating within that area of study).

What my experience (23+ years as a full-time student and 15+ as a college professor) has taught me – you must determine the appropriate strategy in each instance.  There isn’t one strategy that is inherently most effective.

You must keep in mind the following factors:

1. The primary objective is learning.
2. A secondary objective is earning a grade, maintaining or strengthening your GPA.
3. It is highly unlikely that you are going to persuade the professor to change his mind in any significant way.

So you need to identify and understand your professor.  There are those who are:

1. Challenging but fair – They will grade your work based upon its response to the criteria for the assignment rather than on whether you agree with them.
2. Neutral – You can’t figure them out, so taking a stand for the purpose of agreeing or provoking is a shot in the dark.
3. Indoctrinators – You must express agreement with their positions and meet the criteria for the assignments in order to do well in their courses.  (Of course, my perspective is that agreement with the professor should not be one of the criteria for success in a course.)

My advice: Don’t lose sight of your objectives.  Don’t be overconfident in your persuasive skills.  Don’t miss opportunities to learn through disagreement.  Don’t waste your energy – it is still unwise to throw your pearls to the pigs (to paraphrase Jesus).  Never let a teacher or professor be your impediment to learning.  Or, less idealistically, there are some courses you just need to complete on the journey to your degree – don’t let them be a bigger issue than necessary.

Technorati Tags: objective,neutral tone,persuasive skills,college professor,taking a stand,student,worldview,gpa,disagreement,professors,perspective,making decisions,indoctrination

9/11 – Don’t expect others to remember what they do not remember

Ten years ago, Judy and I had just moved to Ohio, and I was attending a conference in Florida on Sep 11th.  I remember going back to my hotel room and watching as the World Trade Center towers were brought to the ground.  It seemed surreal, as though it were a scene from a 1970s disaster movie.  Afterwards, since there were no flights, I ended up catching a ride with people headed back to NY – they went quite a few miles out of their way to bring me home.

Recently we were talking about 9/11 with our children.  At the time they were 5, 4, and 2.  They have no direct memories of the events of that day, although they have studied them in school.

I was 1½ when President Kennedy was assassinated, so I have no recollection of where I was that day.  I’ve heard people talk passionately about their experiences in WWII, the Great Depression, and Vietnam – I do remember Vietnam from the nightly news.

While others have written eloquently about the lessons and insights gained from 9/11, I want to make a much simpler point.  Don’t expect people to remember what they don’t remember.  We need to be careful that we don’t expect our children (certainly children the age of mine and younger) to have deep emotional connections to 9/11.  And asking them to watch documentaries and interviews for the purpose of evoking a strong response is unrealistic.  When people tell me I need to watch a WWII movie, I may learn something about our shared history and the bravery of those who have given their lives for our freedom, but I’m never going to connect to those events in any way comparable to those who lived through them.

So, let’s give the kids a break – they can’t remember what they don’t remember, and what they don’t remember will not have the same emotional impact that it does for those of us who will never forget where we were on that day.

Technorati Tags: emotional connections,great depression,world trade center towers,president kennedy,nightly news,recollection,documentaries,9 11 01,memories,disaster,vietnam,insights,remember

Parenting to Personality Type – I keep learning

I use Myers-Briggs Type Indicator as a tool in my work and make every effort to apply the insights to my parenting and marriage.  Every once in a while I recognize something that suddenly makes sense of a situation – giving me a fuller perspective.  Here’s a recent example.

I played a new card game with our two sons (Camelot Legends).  It was a game where each card has a great deal of detail that influences how and when it is played.  Since we were learning the game I was intent on getting through the first session – picking up the major points and understanding the rules before we focused on all of the details.  Besides which it was getting late and so we didn’t have a lot of time to play.

One son, like me, has an intuiting preference– big picture, global thinker, creative, future oriented.  The other son has a sensing preference – he is drawn to the details, getting things right, accuracy, learning new things through connections to his past.

As I was trying to push the game along – “Let’s just get the big picture, understand the basic rules, and have the experience before we play it again and focus on all of the details” – my sensing son wanted to quit.

Later, it dawned on me that I was creating a situation that supported my intuiting preferences, an approach that was not supportive of my son’s sensing preferences.  One of my principles is: “We make virtues of our preferences.”  I was learning the game the way that was most comfortable to me and was frustrated with my son’s resistance.

I asked my son if in the future it would be a better experience if he could spend time beforehand reading each card, familiarizing himself with the details, and he said it would be.

So it is easy for me to criticize his desire to quit without realizing that, for him, I created an environment in which quitting is preferable to having an experience that runs so counter to his preferences.

As we mature we learn to endure unpleasant situations, but with our children we must be careful not to expect maturity where it is still evolving.

I’m still learning.  For me, at least, understanding is easier than consistent application.

Technorati Tags: myers briggs type indicator,intuiter,senser,camelot legends,parenting,marriage,perspective,maturity,preference

It’s about direction – not perfection

In response to my latest Effective Family Communication newsletter about keeping an eye on your child’s trajectory, Alan wrote to say that in his home they tell their kids “It’s about direction, not perfection.”  I told him I liked that so much I would be stealing it.  He said that would be fine as he was stealing my trajectory image.

So, remember, it’s about direction, not perfection!

[NOTE: If you have missed any of my Effective Family Communication newsletters or Julian Consulting business newsletters, you can find them at my Newsletters Archive (click on the link).  There you can also sign up to receive one or both if you do not already.]

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Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters – Read It Today

Here’s the short version – I’m recommending that fathers with daughters buy this book. I have to confess that I haven’t yet finished reading it.  Even more, I have some reservations about some of the gender generalizations that the author makes.  But the general message of the book and the principles the author shares make it well worth reading.

“Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know” is written by Meg Meeker, MD.  She is a family practitioner with extensive experience working with families generally and teen girls specifically.  She supports her basic claims with compelling stories, making the book an easy read.  That is, once you get past the opening chapter which contains a litany of dire statistics about the health and practices of teen girls.  Her point is that your daughter doesn’t need to be one of these statistics, particularly if you follow the 10 secrets of this book.

For those who start with the final page of a book (a practice I’ve never quite understood), here are the final words of the text: “One day, when she is grown, something between the two of you will shift.  If you have done your job well, she will choose another good man to love her, fight for her, and be intimately connected to her.  But he will never replace you in her heart, because you were there first.  And that’s the ultimate reward for being a good dad.”

So to all good dads, and aspiring good dads, for the sake of your daughter(s) read this book.

Technorati Tags: meg meeker,strong fathers strong daughters,good dad,teen girls,dads

People last – things don’t (mourning the death of Palm)

A fundamental principle of my upbringing was the belief that people last beyond this lifetime while things do not.  So, if you’re going to invest, invest in people.

Perhaps you think this topic is inspired by the recent fluctuations in the stock market – as of today, the Dow is down 15% in less than one month.

Actually I am in mourning today, but for reasons to which a dwindling percentage of the population relate.  Less than two months after releasing the TouchPad, HP announced it is discontinuing webOS tablets and phones.  In plain English, this all but certainly means the death of what was once known as Palm.

On June 3, 1999, I spent $176.90 for a Palm III and case (the first generation of Palm products was introduced in 1996).  So for more than 12 years I have been a loyal Palm owner.

The point: People last, products don’t.  Our loyalties and loves need to be directed to people.

Oh, and if by some small chance you were headed to Sam’s to buy that HP Touchpad, save your gas.

Technorati Tags: palm pilot iii,palm products,palm iii,people,things

More fun than it sounds: Using vacation to teach your kids about budgeting

We spent our summer vacation on Beaver Island, Michigan.  As one of our older friends put it: “It’s like traveling back to the 1950s.”  Of course, I pointed out that neither Judy nor I had lived in the 50s, so we weren’t sure what that meant exactly.

Beaver Island turned out to be a perfect choice for us.  Despite the Verizon coverage map (evidently created by an overly optimistic team member who had never actually checked cell coverage on the island), we found it difficult to find and maintain a signal.  This meant that I couldn’t use my cell phone as a wifi base for our laptop, the kids couldn’t text, and we weren’t able to send e-mail.  While we had fewer channels to choose from on the TV than we do at home, it did get the one that broadcasts “Locked up Abroad” – the basic gist is that if someone offers you a free vacation to an island in exchange for wearing shoes they provide, or agreeing to carry packages in your suitcase or in specially designed undergarments, you should refuse.  Otherwise you are about to become a drug runner and have a reasonable chance at getting caught and (hence the title) locked up abroad.

Sorry, I digress.  Before leaving home, I told Judy that I had a budget in mind for the trip and thought that if we could explain to our three children how I had arrived at that number and get their buy-in to stick to our budget, then I would love to give each of them a reward for helping us stay on target.  Part of the plan was to make them aware of how money gets spent and where it tends to disappear unnoticed during a trip.  So we sat our kids down, went over the budget, told them that if we stayed within it they would each receive a reward, and that if we went over budget it wouldn’t be the end of the world (we would pay our bills) – they just wouldn’t get the reward.

It seems to have worked.  Discussions about eating out and various activities took on a different tone as the family considered whether this was where we wanted to spend our money.  We still had a great time and at the end of the trip each child was excited to walk away with some cash.

I don’t want to take away the innocence and joy of being a child, but I do want our children to realize that our decisions have consequences and that budgets are not unlimited (at least outside of government).

What are some strategies you have used to teach your children the value of budgeting?

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Even the Mayans had to synchronize their schedules

There are plenty of opportunities each week for the typical family to get their signals crossed.  Parents are coming and going, children are involved in all sorts of activities.

Judy and I haven’t managed to have a unified calendar since I use an electronic version and she uses paper.  So, for all of you with one electronic calendar shared on G-mail or Outlook, the trick is simply keeping the calendar up-to-date.

I’ve encouraged a number of clients to have a weekly calendar session.  Judy and I do this informally – usually each Sunday evening we will have a conversation about the coming week – we look at our social commitments and transportation issues.  Judy handles our social calendar and I don’t mind going places as long as I know with enough lead time to prepare.

One couple I dealt with had a great deal of conflict each week over violated expectations.  Both spouses work and the wife would promise to be home early – wanting to please her husband and keep the peace.  Once at work, however, she would realize she needed to stay late.  Her husband no longer believed her assurances about coming home and grew more frustrated with her schedule.  Her attempts to keep the peace only made things worse.  I encouraged them to have a calendar session each week.  After a few weeks I asked my client how it was going and she said that things had improved markedly.  She would identify the nights she was going to be late and kept her promise to be home at the dinner hour on the other nights.  It wasn’t so much about whether she was early or late as much as it was about expectations and interpretations of why expectations had been violated – her husband’s feeling that her work must be more important to her than her family was.

As with so many issues it comes down to communication.  Be honest about what you need from other family members each week and don’t make promises you are unable to keep.

This issue is not new – even the Mayans had to synchronize their schedules.  At least you don’t have to roll a couple of large stones into the kitchen each week to have your calendar session.  No excuses – just commit to making it happen (put it on your calendars) and you’ll be thankful you did.

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Learning from the movies – The King’s Speech

Last night my wife and I watched “The King’s Speech” (rated R for language).  It was a reminder of many lessons:

1) Childhood traumas and the self-perception we develop as children impact us as adults.  We cannot leave our childhoods behind like a caboose released from a moving train, that slowly rolls to a stop and fades in the distance while we continue our journey without it.

2) Being part of the royal family isn’t as glamorous as it might appear from the outside.  There are simple pleasures and freedoms that we commoners enjoy.

3) There is hope – life isn’t a static state moving toward a predetermined end.  We can change.  We can learn.  We can grow.

4) Change and growth require humility as we admit our need and are willing to learn from others, including people that may not share our rank or station in life.

5) Formal education and degrees are never a replacement for experience and the application of common sense principles.

6) Some people really do love us for who we are – whether king or pauper.

7) We all need friends, even if our “friends” are not the all-inclusive soul-mates who can share every aspect of our lives.

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Hassle theory of love – and employment

I was with a client recently, talking about how someone had responded to two people in similar circumstances quite differently.  It reminded me of my hassle theory of love.

Back when I was single, I used to say that I knew I was in love when I was willing to put up with the hassles.  Being single makes scheduling, decision-making, TV-watching, eating, and spending money easier because you don’t have to factor in the interests of another.  But when you’re in love you put up with the hassles because it’s worth it.

The reason the person my client and I were discussing had responded differently to two people in similar circumstances was because with the one person it wasn’t worth the hassle and with the other it was.

So I realized this theory applies to business relationships as well.  Why do some people get away with certain behaviors while others don’t?  Because the first set of people are worth the hassles, the second set aren’t.

What makes someone in business worth the hassles?  They’re well connected, they are brilliant in some key area, they are otherwise quite likeable, they have been loyal for many years, and so on.

Why am I married?  Because Judy’s friendship and presence were worth any hassle I might ever experience.  I trust she feels the same.

Kids? The difference with kids is that you don’t get to experience the hassles (not really – babysitting and visiting friends with kids don’t truly count because you get to leave) until you’ve made the commitment and, for reasonably functional individuals, divorcing your kids is much more difficult than divorcing your spouse.

That’s why I’m often reminded of Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart” (NASB).  I must be cautious that I don’t make my parenting such a hassle to my children that they lose heart.  Sure they’ll put up with a lot coming from me, just as I do with them.  But I must be careful that I don’t take advantage of their love, especially as I am to be the mature adult in the relationship.

Hassles are the cost of meaningful relationship.  Just be thankful you get to experience them with people you love.  Because the cost of a hassle-free life is relational isolation.

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Watching what you watch

According to our children we are the most restrictive parents on the planet.  I find that amusing, in part, because I know two things: 1) How I was raised, and 2) How some of our friends are raising their children.

One area we’ve tried to hold the line – and a significant reason for our “most restrictive parents” award – is in what our children view.  We are not nearly as restrictive as some when it comes to “screen time,” but we are more restrictive than many when it comes to content.  I guess you could say we are lenient on the quantity and restrictive on the quality.

For one thing, my kids know more about animals than I ever will.  Animal Planet deserves credit for part of this education.  And while I don’t find many of the comedies directed at young teens all that funny, they are no worse than the fare on which I was raised (Gilligan’s Island, Brady Bunch, Hogan’s Heroes, just to name a few).  [It turns out that Gilligan’s Island provided brilliant insight into the American democratic impulse – who knew?  Follow the link to read the article.]

Recently I read a story (in a book that I will feature in an upcoming newsletter) about a young girl whose relationship with her father was undermined because of something she saw on TV and didn’t know how to process properly.  The gist is that she thought all men were sexual predators and that her birth must be due to her father’s sexual aggression toward her mother.  Her family physician was able to help her reframe what she had seen and thereby to reassess her father’s character.

The point is quite simple – sometimes we forget that people really do develop over time and that our experiences shape our interpretation of what we see. When we, as adults, watch a movie or television show, we are able to put the actions and dialogue into the context of our life experience.  When children or young teens watch the same movie or television show they often lack (thankfully) the life experiences of an adult and so process what they see differently – or, sometimes, really have no idea how to process what they are seeing (consider the young girl mentioned in the preceding paragraph).

That’s why it’s important to watch what we allow our children to watch.  There are many things worse than being the most restrictive parents your children know. Besides if your children are like ours, they’ve learned to use hyperbole to bolster an otherwise sagging case.

Resource: I recommend With Kids in Mind – I use this when deciding what movies our children will be allowed to view.  It helps me to wield my “most restrictive” parenting power judiciously.  As I’m sure you know, the PG movie of the 70s and 80s is often the PG-13 movie of today, and not all PG-13 movies are created equal.  That’s where a tool like With Kids in Mind really helps.

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The value of secondary friendships

Hopefully you have friends and hopefully they extend beyond a collection of Facebook walls, LinkedIn contacts and Twitter followers – actual people with whom you can sit down over a cup of coffee.

What happens when your life is in turmoil and you feel as though you will damage those relationships if you are entirely honest about your struggles and the challenges you face?  What if your friends tire of your travails and eventually begin screening your calls?  What then?

That’s where you’ll see the value of secondary friendships – people who genuinely care and are willing to listen, but who aren’t a part of your everyday life.  We had the opportunity to serve as secondary friends to a couple in crisis.  We went out to dinner and listened (although I warned them that as a professional advice-giver I might have some ideas for them).  I don’t know that anything was solved, but they felt freedom to be honest while knowing that we weren’t the people they would be rubbing shoulders with tomorrow.

Seek out secondary friends when needed.  Be a secondary friend to another.  Professional counseling has its place, but sometimes having a secondary friend who will listen is just what you need.

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How to Score a Gaming Trifecta

I love games – I’ve written about some of my favorites in past blog posts and since then I’ve picked up a few more.  It’s a great way to spend time with my kids and their friends, and can provide an opportunity for learning important lessons about winning well and losing with dignity.

There are three reasons I play games: 1) Fun, 2) Relationships, and 3) Winning.

I play party games for fun – I don’t really care who wins, although I may get fairly animated in the process.  Ultimately these games are about having a great time with friends.  Usually the conversation in which the game is immersed is more interesting than the game itself.  It’s a great way to get to know others better in a nonthreatening environment, surrounded by laughter.

I played church softball one season to build relationships with guys who rarely showed up at church.  As a pastor, I figured that joining the softball team was the best way to get to know them.  Let’s just say I wasn’t all that good at softball.  Our league used team members as umpires.  I was placed at first base to make the calls and evidently got the first one horribly wrong.  Eventually I found myself back on the bench and so I started wandering through the stands talking to people.  The coach looked up and yelled at me: “Julian – are we here to play or are we here to socialize?”  I would have thought the answer was self-evident.

Most games I, like Charlie Sheen, play to win (sorry, couldn’t resist).  I lost my share of games on purpose to my children, but mostly I figure it is good for them to either win fairly or lose.  As they’ve gotten older this is not an issue since I’m often the one who needs a break.

The trifecta is when I can play a game with family and friends where we are having fun, building relationships, and I’m still playing to win – then it really doesn’t matter if I win the game, I’m winning at life.

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Father’s Day – Celebrating the influence of my dad

Thanks to my father for his consistent example of godly living.  Dad has impacted my life significantly – here are five specific ways:

1. He chooses people over things and downplays the significance of material possessions.  When I was 16 I totaled one of my parents’ cars and my dad did not yell or demand that I repay them for the damage.  He treated it as an opportunity for learning.
2. He is consistent in living out his principles and convictions.  I have joked that my parents were always consistent – even when they were consistently wrong.  One thing I could never do, fault them for failing to live up to what they believed to be right.
3. He loves my mother and affirms her in the presence of others.  Despite the typical differences found between spouses, my father chooses to emphasize the strengths in my mother’s character and praises her in the presence of others.
4. He is creative in his gift-giving, looking for ways to speak love to the other person in a way that he/she will hear.  Sometimes he comes to our home and washes my car, cleaning it inside and out.  He knows I like a clean car, but that it has never been a priority in my allocation of time.
5. He is loyal to his friends and committed to those relationships for life.  There are countless examples of people my father has befriended and loved over decades.  Through the joys and pain of life, he is there.

My children are not grown and I do not yet know the impact I will have upon their lives.  I trust that they will be as blessed in their relationship with me as I have been with my father.

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