Parenting partners – Thank one today!

Judy has been away for 10 days.  We’ve done this before.  I’ve traveled for up to two weeks overseas and she has gone to help with family.  But this certainly isn’t the preference for either of us.

When we first had children we made the decision for Judy to stay home as a full-time mom.  I worked lots of hours to offset the expenses associated with living in NY (for example, we paid a tax for each garbage can that we put out – NY had very creative taxes).

At some point, I don’t remember exactly when, we had a conversation that was difficult, but important.  We realized that parenting couldn’t be 50/50.  If I was going to work two jobs and Judy was going to be home full-time then parenting was going to fall more on her than on me.  I still have trouble putting that into writing, wondering if it sounds as though I was abandoning responsibility or putting too much on her, but it was our reality and it was part of the decision we had made to have her home.

I just wasn’t going to notice all the details like a child having his hair trimmed or know our children’s schedules the way she did.  Nor was she going to be thinking about my students (I taught college at the time) or campus politics as I was.

Recently I met with a young couple and was sharing this with them.  I was trying to encourage them that they need to negotiate their own situation – being honest about the implications of the decisions they have made.

Three suggestions:

1. Cut each other some slack – you may be focusing on different aspects of your lives.  Don’t consider that indifference but complementary vision allowing you to see a wider range of reality.
2. Date regularly – we spent thousands on dating while our children were small.
3. Listen to each other talk about life, even those parts that aren’t your bailiwick.  Don’t try to solve, just listen and then be willing to offer suggestions if asked (or for those who prefer directness, you can ask: “Do you want me to just listen or offer suggestions?”).

My point – parenting is not meant to be done alone.  Now that isn’t a slam on single parents, not at all.  In fact, it is times like the past 10 days that remind me how much I admire single parents and spouses of deployed military personnel.  I’m not sure it takes an entire village to raise children and for most of us, given what has happened to traditional American community, that isn’t an option.  Your neighbors may not know you, let alone the people of your village.

Every parent needs parenting partners.  For those who are married it begins with your spouse.  For those who are single it may be friends or family.  For Judy and me it includes my parents who live locally, as well as parents of our children’s friends, and relationships from church and community.  (My previous blog post was about the impact of our children’s band directors on their lives.)

During this season of giving thanks – why not thank someone who serves as a parenting partner?  You wouldn’t want to be doing this without them!

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