It’s about direction – not perfection

In response to my latest Effective Family Communication newsletter about keeping an eye on your child’s trajectory, Alan wrote to say that in his home they tell their kids “It’s about direction, not perfection.”  I told him I liked that so much I would be stealing it.  He said that would be fine as he was stealing my trajectory image.

So, remember, it’s about direction, not perfection!

[NOTE: If you have missed any of my Effective Family Communication newsletters or Julian Consulting business newsletters, you can find them at my Newsletters Archive (click on the link).  There you can also sign up to receive one or both if you do not already.]

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Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters – Read It Today

Here’s the short version – I’m recommending that fathers with daughters buy this book. I have to confess that I haven’t yet finished reading it.  Even more, I have some reservations about some of the gender generalizations that the author makes.  But the general message of the book and the principles the author shares make it well worth reading.

“Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know” is written by Meg Meeker, MD.  She is a family practitioner with extensive experience working with families generally and teen girls specifically.  She supports her basic claims with compelling stories, making the book an easy read.  That is, once you get past the opening chapter which contains a litany of dire statistics about the health and practices of teen girls.  Her point is that your daughter doesn’t need to be one of these statistics, particularly if you follow the 10 secrets of this book.

For those who start with the final page of a book (a practice I’ve never quite understood), here are the final words of the text: “One day, when she is grown, something between the two of you will shift.  If you have done your job well, she will choose another good man to love her, fight for her, and be intimately connected to her.  But he will never replace you in her heart, because you were there first.  And that’s the ultimate reward for being a good dad.”

So to all good dads, and aspiring good dads, for the sake of your daughter(s) read this book.

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People last – things don’t (mourning the death of Palm)

A fundamental principle of my upbringing was the belief that people last beyond this lifetime while things do not.  So, if you’re going to invest, invest in people.

Perhaps you think this topic is inspired by the recent fluctuations in the stock market – as of today, the Dow is down 15% in less than one month.

Actually I am in mourning today, but for reasons to which a dwindling percentage of the population relate.  Less than two months after releasing the TouchPad, HP announced it is discontinuing webOS tablets and phones.  In plain English, this all but certainly means the death of what was once known as Palm.

On June 3, 1999, I spent $176.90 for a Palm III and case (the first generation of Palm products was introduced in 1996).  So for more than 12 years I have been a loyal Palm owner.

The point: People last, products don’t.  Our loyalties and loves need to be directed to people.

Oh, and if by some small chance you were headed to Sam’s to buy that HP Touchpad, save your gas.

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More fun than it sounds: Using vacation to teach your kids about budgeting

We spent our summer vacation on Beaver Island, Michigan.  As one of our older friends put it: “It’s like traveling back to the 1950s.”  Of course, I pointed out that neither Judy nor I had lived in the 50s, so we weren’t sure what that meant exactly.

Beaver Island turned out to be a perfect choice for us.  Despite the Verizon coverage map (evidently created by an overly optimistic team member who had never actually checked cell coverage on the island), we found it difficult to find and maintain a signal.  This meant that I couldn’t use my cell phone as a wifi base for our laptop, the kids couldn’t text, and we weren’t able to send e-mail.  While we had fewer channels to choose from on the TV than we do at home, it did get the one that broadcasts “Locked up Abroad” – the basic gist is that if someone offers you a free vacation to an island in exchange for wearing shoes they provide, or agreeing to carry packages in your suitcase or in specially designed undergarments, you should refuse.  Otherwise you are about to become a drug runner and have a reasonable chance at getting caught and (hence the title) locked up abroad.

Sorry, I digress.  Before leaving home, I told Judy that I had a budget in mind for the trip and thought that if we could explain to our three children how I had arrived at that number and get their buy-in to stick to our budget, then I would love to give each of them a reward for helping us stay on target.  Part of the plan was to make them aware of how money gets spent and where it tends to disappear unnoticed during a trip.  So we sat our kids down, went over the budget, told them that if we stayed within it they would each receive a reward, and that if we went over budget it wouldn’t be the end of the world (we would pay our bills) – they just wouldn’t get the reward.

It seems to have worked.  Discussions about eating out and various activities took on a different tone as the family considered whether this was where we wanted to spend our money.  We still had a great time and at the end of the trip each child was excited to walk away with some cash.

I don’t want to take away the innocence and joy of being a child, but I do want our children to realize that our decisions have consequences and that budgets are not unlimited (at least outside of government).

What are some strategies you have used to teach your children the value of budgeting?

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Even the Mayans had to synchronize their schedules

There are plenty of opportunities each week for the typical family to get their signals crossed.  Parents are coming and going, children are involved in all sorts of activities.

Judy and I haven’t managed to have a unified calendar since I use an electronic version and she uses paper.  So, for all of you with one electronic calendar shared on G-mail or Outlook, the trick is simply keeping the calendar up-to-date.

I’ve encouraged a number of clients to have a weekly calendar session.  Judy and I do this informally – usually each Sunday evening we will have a conversation about the coming week – we look at our social commitments and transportation issues.  Judy handles our social calendar and I don’t mind going places as long as I know with enough lead time to prepare.

One couple I dealt with had a great deal of conflict each week over violated expectations.  Both spouses work and the wife would promise to be home early – wanting to please her husband and keep the peace.  Once at work, however, she would realize she needed to stay late.  Her husband no longer believed her assurances about coming home and grew more frustrated with her schedule.  Her attempts to keep the peace only made things worse.  I encouraged them to have a calendar session each week.  After a few weeks I asked my client how it was going and she said that things had improved markedly.  She would identify the nights she was going to be late and kept her promise to be home at the dinner hour on the other nights.  It wasn’t so much about whether she was early or late as much as it was about expectations and interpretations of why expectations had been violated – her husband’s feeling that her work must be more important to her than her family was.

As with so many issues it comes down to communication.  Be honest about what you need from other family members each week and don’t make promises you are unable to keep.

This issue is not new – even the Mayans had to synchronize their schedules.  At least you don’t have to roll a couple of large stones into the kitchen each week to have your calendar session.  No excuses – just commit to making it happen (put it on your calendars) and you’ll be thankful you did.

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