Becoming Multilingual – Speaking Your Partner’s Love Language

Some ideas just resonate even if they can’t be proven.  That’s how I’ve always felt about Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages.  It’s a simple concept that makes a lot of sense.  It sort of reminds me of “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band:

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure - love stinks

The problem in many relationships is that you really do love each other, but you express love in a way your partner cannot hear.  According to Chapman, the five love languages are 1) Acts of service, 2) Physical touch, 3) Quality time, 4) Gifts, and 5) Words of affirmation.  So a husband who washes the dishes and helps with the laundry is saying, “I love you” to his wife, but if she is craving quality time she may not hear his acts of service as love.

He loves her
She loves him
They love each other differently
So neither one wins
Love stinks

Successful communication is impossible if you don’t understand and speak the other person’s language.  We need to be multilingual.  Learn to speak the language of someone you love and they will hear your love more clearly than you ever imagined.  No longer will you sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher: “Wah, wah, wah.”

Technorati Tags: j geils band,child,words of affirmation,5 love languages,gary chapman,five love languages,acts of service,physical touch,quality time,gifts,love stinks

Fight well in front of the kids

I grew up in a home without conflict.  While that may sound idyllic, it wasn’t, not exactly.  I will say to the credit of my parents that I have never heard either one raise his/her voice in anger toward the other.  I know they have a healthy, loving relationship and that this isn’t hiding some sublimated rage.

But for me this anger-free zone was a problem.  When I arrived at college I thought I was a well-adjusted individual.  Then I played flag football one afternoon.  It was the freshmen against the seniors.  The officiating crew was made up of seniors and after one particularly egregious call I lost it.  Now I don’t mean just a little bit.  I came unhinged.  I was so angry that I was shouting unintelligible nonsense phrases – I couldn’t speak in rational, coherent sentences.  As I walked away, embarrassed at my utter lack of self-control, I realized that I had some anger issues.

So when my wife and I got married and talked about having children, I told her that one of my goals was for us to fight well in front of our children.  Now if the word “fight” is problematic for you, substitute another term like “argue” or “disagree.”  I wanted to show our children that two loving, committed adults could disagree, disagree with some emotional expression, and resolve the issue well, lovingly.

Based on the unsolicited feedback from our children over the years, I think this is one area we have succeeded.  This is one area where I think we have adjusted the model of our parents (my parents) without swinging the pendulum entirely in the other direction.

My encouragement to you – fight well.  Model the healthy resolution of conflict.

You may be asking - “How do we fight well?”

Here’s five simple tips:

1. Don’t call each other names or use language that you wouldn’t want your children to imitate with others outside your home
2. Don’t reach a decibel level that suggests you’ve lost control over your reason, emotions, or ability to act rationally – exhibiting strong emotions and losing control are not the same
3. Stay focused on the issue at hand and don’t attack the other person’s character or over-generalize by using the words “always” and “never” even if you feel they are justified (as in, “you always” or “you never”)
4. Seek to resolve the issue without damaging the relationship – don’t say or do something you’ll forever regret
5. Never let it become physical

Technorati Tags: anger,anger issues,emotional expression,loving relationship,flag football,self control,rage,conflict,argue

Celebrate the uniqueness of each child

We ran into a problem when we went from having two children to having three.  Our first child was great with people – he entertained and captivated virtually everyone he met.  At one point we went to the DMV in NY to renew our licenses.  He was about five at the time.  He walked to the front of the crowded room, turned to face the waiting masses, and broke out into “Take me out to the ball game.”  He sang the entire song and then waited for the applause he was sure would follow.

Our second child showed an early ability to draw and sketch well.  We celebrated this trait since neither parent has it – the best we can determine is that it must have come from her paternal grandmother who is an artist.  So we were often affirming the drawings that this child created.

Our third child didn’t demonstrate any early propensities or gifts that were obvious to us.  We realized that we were praising his older brother and sister for their gifts, but that we weren’t exactly sure what behavior of his we should celebrate.  Then I noticed one night that when I went to put him to bed he gave me an extra strong hug.  I began to make an issue of his hugs and would often tell him that I needed one of his special hugs.  He would light up and squeeze the air from my lungs.  Now he knows that when I ask for an “endorphin release” he is being asked to wrap me in his arms and constrict.

The moral?  Find something unique to celebrate about each child.  With some children  the trait(s) may be obvious, but with others you may have to be intentional and inventive.  Just find it – whatever it may be.

Technorati Tags: grandmother,endorphin release,child,brother,sister,hug,unique,uniqueness,celebrate,gifts

Banish Mindreading! Instead, practice saying, “This is what I need from you”

After twenty-three years of marriage, one of my biggest turn-ons is when my wife says, “This is what I need from you.”

We are working to banish mindreading because it just doesn’t work.  Hinting is an invitation to mindreading and it doesn’t work either.  When someone says, “I told him he should quit texting while he drives,” I will sometimes ask, “Did you really say that?”  “Well, not exactly, but he knew what I meant.”  I’m willing to bet he didn’t.

I’ve had some clients tell me that my phrasing (“This is what I need from you”) needs to be softened.  I’m OK with that as long as you don’t soften it to the point of hinting.

“This is what I need from you” is not a demand.  It is being assertive – clear and direct.

I work from home.  If my wife walks in the door (two rooms from where I sit at my computer) and I hear her sigh (I don’t need to say “loudly” because I wouldn’t have heard her if it hadn’t been loudly), followed by, “And now I need to go pick up Andrew,” what am I supposed to discern?  Many people say she is clearly saying, “Get off your butt and go get Andrew.”  The problem, however, is that some days she isn’t.  Perhaps she has to go pick up Andrew because she needs to stop by a friend’s house on the way home.  In that case she’s just sighing and expressing her preference for a better world in which she doesn’t need to venture out again.  The problem with mindreading is that I am left to wonder which of the many possible things she might be saying, she actually is.

When she walks in and says, “This is what I need from you.  I’ve been driving all over town.  I’m tired and Andrew still needs to be picked up.  I really need for you to pick him up today.” - then we have an opportunity for adult dialogue.  I may have a phone conference scheduled with a client and I’m just not able to pick him up.  I can express that.  I am not being commanded to do something.  She is being clear and direct about her preferences, about her needs.  If I don’t have a client appointment or other conflict, then I am happy to go pick up our son and especially happy because I know I’ve just been asked.

Technorati Tags: mindreading,mind reading,marriage,assertive,communication,this is what i need from you

Parents’ Guide to Understanding Your Kids: Tip #1 – Watch how they respond to discipline

Years ago when our oldest was in elementary school, he did something so heinous that I sent him to his room from the time he arrived home from school until dinner.  It was probably 3-4 hours that he was alone in his room.  If you had driven by our house you would have heard him wailing at the top of his lungs and might have assumed that we were actively beating him (which we were not).

Then there’s our youngest.  We have sent him to his room and then asked some time later, “Where’s Adam?”  “Oh no, I sent him to his room.  Adam, come out.”  “Nah, that’s alright.  I’m playing.”

Extroverts gain energy through interaction with people and the outer world.  Our oldest has a clear preference for extroverting.  Introverts gain energy through reflection, time alone, or time spent with close friends.  Our youngest has a clear preference for introverting.

So when we sent our older son to his room as discipline for inappropriate behavior, it got his attention.  When we sent our younger son to his room, he was often happy to be away from the rest of “the loud family” (our name for ourselves).  There are many ways to begin discovering your child’s personality type and preferences.  Observing their response to discipline is one.

Technorati Tags: reflection,time alone,loud family,personality type,inappropriate behavior,interaction with people,close friends,preference,discipline,extroverting,introverting,extroversion,introversion

Best Movie Review Sites for Parents - #1: Kids in Mind

“Can I go with my friends to see Inception?”

How do you answer that question?  “Sure.”  “Who are you going with?”  “What’s it rated?”  “Who’s driving?”

Head on over to Kids in Mind which rates movies with parents in mind.  It provides three numerical assessments – Sex/Nudity, Violence/Gore, and Profanity.  Each category is scored on a scale of 0-10 with details provided to explain the score.  You do have to wade through a lot of pop-ups and ads, but I find that it’s worth it when I need to assess the appropriateness of a movie for one or more of our three children.

Technorati Tags: sex,nudity,kids in mind,appropriateness,profanity,inception,gore,violence,parents