Fight well in front of the kids

I grew up in a home without conflict.  While that may sound idyllic, it wasn’t, not exactly.  I will say to the credit of my parents that I have never heard either one raise his/her voice in anger toward the other.  I know they have a healthy, loving relationship and that this isn’t hiding some sublimated rage.

But for me this anger-free zone was a problem.  When I arrived at college I thought I was a well-adjusted individual.  Then I played flag football one afternoon.  It was the freshmen against the seniors.  The officiating crew was made up of seniors and after one particularly egregious call I lost it.  Now I don’t mean just a little bit.  I came unhinged.  I was so angry that I was shouting unintelligible nonsense phrases – I couldn’t speak in rational, coherent sentences.  As I walked away, embarrassed at my utter lack of self-control, I realized that I had some anger issues.

So when my wife and I got married and talked about having children, I told her that one of my goals was for us to fight well in front of our children.  Now if the word “fight” is problematic for you, substitute another term like “argue” or “disagree.”  I wanted to show our children that two loving, committed adults could disagree, disagree with some emotional expression, and resolve the issue well, lovingly.

Based on the unsolicited feedback from our children over the years, I think this is one area we have succeeded.  This is one area where I think we have adjusted the model of our parents (my parents) without swinging the pendulum entirely in the other direction.

My encouragement to you – fight well.  Model the healthy resolution of conflict.

You may be asking - “How do we fight well?”

Here’s five simple tips:

1. Don’t call each other names or use language that you wouldn’t want your children to imitate with others outside your home
2. Don’t reach a decibel level that suggests you’ve lost control over your reason, emotions, or ability to act rationally – exhibiting strong emotions and losing control are not the same
3. Stay focused on the issue at hand and don’t attack the other person’s character or over-generalize by using the words “always” and “never” even if you feel they are justified (as in, “you always” or “you never”)
4. Seek to resolve the issue without damaging the relationship – don’t say or do something you’ll forever regret
5. Never let it become physical

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