After twenty-three years of marriage, one of my biggest turn-ons is when my wife says, “This is what I need from you.”
We are working to banish mindreading because it just doesn’t work. Hinting is an invitation to mindreading and it doesn’t work either. When someone says, “I told him he should quit texting while he drives,” I will sometimes ask, “Did you really say that?” “Well, not exactly, but he knew what I meant.” I’m willing to bet he didn’t.
“This is what I need from you” is not a demand. It is being assertive – clear and direct.
I work from home. If my wife walks in the door (two rooms from where I sit at my computer) and I hear her sigh (I don’t need to say “loudly” because I wouldn’t have heard her if it hadn’t been loudly), followed by, “And now I need to go pick up Andrew,” what am I supposed to discern? Many people say she is clearly saying, “Get off your butt and go get Andrew.” The problem, however, is that some days she isn’t. Perhaps she has to go pick up Andrew because she needs to stop by a friend’s house on the way home. In that case she’s just sighing and expressing her preference for a better world in which she doesn’t need to venture out again. The problem with mindreading is that I am left to wonder which of the many possible things she might be saying, she actually is.
When she walks in and says, “This is what I need from you. I’ve been driving all over town. I’m tired and Andrew still needs to be picked up. I really need for you to pick him up today.” - then we have an opportunity for adult dialogue. I may have a phone conference scheduled with a client and I’m just not able to pick him up. I can express that. I am not being commanded to do something. She is being clear and direct about her preferences, about her needs. If I don’t have a client appointment or other conflict, then I am happy to go pick up our son and especially happy because I know I’ve just been asked.
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