Parents’ Guide to Understanding Your Kids: Tip #2 – People Tell Stories for Different Reasons

When Judy and I first married we had a lot to learn about aligning expectations with behavior – in other words, we didn’t know what we were in for.

Using Myers-Briggs Type Indicator terminology, I have an intuiting preference.  Judy has a sensing preference.  Those with an intuiting preference typically tell stories to make a point, to entertain, to demonstrate creativity, but certainly not to convey a host of unnecessary details.  Those with a sensing preference tell stories to convey details, to demonstrate that they know what is or was, to be precise, but certainly not to create “facts” from thin air.  (Now for my sensing preference readers who know something about MBTI, the real world is a bit more complicated but, as an intuiter, I’m trying to make a point here.)

So when Judy and I would go to a party I would tell a story to entertain and Judy would stand next to me correcting the details so that no one was misled by my playing fast and loose with the facts.  “So there we were nine months ago sitting at our dining room table. . . .”  “Actually it was seven months ago; I know because we had fresh daisies on the table and I had bought those to brighten up the room.  I don’t do that often and it was June when I found that new florist on Cumberland Pike.  I’m pretty sure they weren’t even open in April, which would be nine months ago.”  At this point the rhythm of my story was shot and people were either bored by another couple disagreeing in a way that couples often do, or they were fascinated by our particular disagreement and no longer interested in the wildly entertaining insight that I had been preparing to unveil.

A lot of parties ended poorly for the newly married Julians.  It was only when we realized that our issue flowed from two sources that compounded our frustration that we began to make progress.  First, we had different communication preferences (intuiting versus sensing), and second, we had observed two different models in our homes growing up.  My mother never disagreed with my father in public.  So my personality preferences and my historical expectations combined to produce a deep sense of betrayal, all over a story that wasn’t (if I was being honest) that significant.

Those who actually read the title of this post may be wondering if I have lost my way.  No, I’m turning now to parenting.  Sensing parents need to understand that intuiting children are not “liars” but creative storytellers who see the sharing of information as being more about entertaining than conveying disinterested (and uninteresting) facts.  Intuiting parents need to realize that their sensing children really do need to share all of the facts because those facts are the puzzle pieces that make up their stories.  Without the facts the story would collapse or, worse, cease to exist.

Give the gift of listening and free the storytellers in your home to share their view of world history in their own way.  In private you (the sensing parent) can challenge and correct the details – “It was a blue Chevy and not really a teal Ford” or gently make the point (as the intuiting spouse) that no one really cares that it was May 15, 1973, when they awoke in their gray pajamas to Tony Orlando and Dawn singing “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree” as the intro to their response about remembering POW/MIA flags.

Chances are you’ll have an opportunity to listen to stories over Thanksgiving – be gracious and be thankful that others see the world differently (even if their stories are boring or incorrect ).

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