Parents–Don’t muzzle yourselves!

Think your kids don’t care about your opinions of them, their friends, their activities, or anything else?

As children become teenagers there is a common perception among parents that celebrities and peers replace parents as the most important sources of information and affirmation.

I don’t buy it.  What’s my evidence?  Sorry to disappoint you on this, but it is mostly anecdotal.  Years ago I read studies claiming that teens really do care what their parents think – even if they say otherwise to their parents or if they say nothing to their parents.  I’ve looked online again recently for information on the topic and have found a range of conflicting voices – teens insisting they don’t care what Mom and Dad think, brain scans purporting to show that teens respond to what their parents say about them, a study that says contemporary teens in Canada have better relationships with their parents than previous generations, and so on.  Then, of course, you have to interpret the data and that means you have to consider the source, reliability, and advocacy positions of the content providers.

I think teens care what their parents think because my kids obviously do.  We talk regularly about a wide range of issues and they ask advice or for our opinions.  Sometimes they laugh at us, roll their eyes, or respond as though we are brain dead.  Just today my teenage son said I should be proud of him because yesterday morning he left for band and, realizing it was in the low 30s, was wearing shorts with sweat pants, a T-shirt under a sweatshirt, hat, and gloves.  Later, as it warmed up – probably to the mid-50s, he stripped down to his shorts and T-shirt.  He was beaming with pride, his face asking me to affirm his choice, knowing that I would be impressed that he had the foresight to wear sweats, hat, and gloves.  I provided the affirmation he sought and didn’t make an issue out of his decision to wear shorts and a T-shirt in the 50s because I really was impressed that he had worn a hat and gloves.  Truth be told, I was shocked he knew where they were.

So, whatever your current relationship with your children, I urge you to engage regularly and sincerely.  Work from the assumption that they do care what you think, that your opinion matters, and that they are watching you to see what it means to be an adult.  When they look you in the face and say, “I don’t care what you think about me, in fact, I hate you,” you may be tempted to take them at their word, but I would urge you to take a deep breath and to reengage with love, remembering that you are raising a soon-to-be independent adult.  Just don’t cede your influence by self-muzzling.  Then it won’t matter if they care what you think because your lack of engagement will tell them all they need to know – they’re not worth your time or effort and that’s a message you’ll spend years trying to reverse.

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