Unable, unwilling, or uninterested

Dunking a basketball, understanding offsides, and scoring a try.

I am unable to dunk a basketball unless you lower the net, give me a mini-trampoline, or I spend the next three years conditioning.  The first, if done sufficiently, will enable my success.  The second might lead to injury or success or injurious success.  The third isn’t going to happen and in all likelihood still wouldn’t produce a dunk with a standard ball and rim height.  Some people would argue that everything you might put in the “unable” category really belongs in the “unwilling” category, but I don’t think that’s true.  I am unable to run a three-minute mile, and so are you.

Parents in my community appear unwilling to learn the offside rule in soccer.  Every year I listen to them talk as though something mysterious or downright conspiratorial has happened every time offsides is called.  (For the benefit of those parents, I have copied in an explanation of the rule at the bottom of this post.)

The other day I was watching rugby.  My kids tolerated it for a while and then began asking me to change the channel.  I like watching rugby but still don’t understand many of the rules.  Somehow it always sounds odd to my American ears when one team “scores a try”- I understand trying to score and succeeding in scoring, but “scores a try” just sounds like you’ve succeeded in trying to score.  Anyway, my kids are uninterested in rugby.

What does any of this have to do with family communication?  Glad you asked.  You are unable to guarantee the success of your child (or spouse, parent, etc.) because it depends, in large measure, on his/her volitional freedom – the willingness to make right choices.  You may be unwilling to take the time to have difficult conversations or to engage your child for the quantity of time that allows moments of quality to emerge.  You may be uninterested in much of your child’s world because it is foreign and played by rules you don’t understand or have chosen to forget.  (Who could willingly, as an adult, inhabit the world of middle school girl relationships?)

Don’t let what you are unable to do, keep you from those relational choices that currently you are unwilling or uninterested in making.  Invest in getting to know your child and his/her world – you may discover that playing the game or observing his/her game takes on new meaning and captivates you in ways you never imagined possible.

Click here for an explanation of soccer’s offside rule.

In soccer, an offside foul is called when an offensive player, or attacking player, is passed the ball and there are not at least two opponents between him or her and the goal line. Usually, these are the goalkeeper and one other defender, but not necessarily. The penalty for an offside foul is that the other team is given possession of the ball.

It's also important to note that offside applies at the moment the ball is passed, not at the moment the ball is received. Therefore, if the offensive player that will receive the pass is "onside" at the time the ball is passed, but then runs behind the unsuspecting defender before receiving the pass, the receiving offensive player is not offsides.

Click here for an explanation of rugby terms.

Technorati Tags: offsides,rugby,parents,unable,unwilling,uninterested

Have you prepared your child for maturity?

I define maturity as “living out one’s preferences appropriately in community.”

I use this definition when talking about Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, people’s personality types, and their preferences in the areas of energy, information, decision-making, and control.

While “appropriately” is unavoidably vague, it conveys the idea that we are not free to say we are mature while insisting on our preferences without regard for others or for the behavioral norms and expectations of our community.

My concern is that children are being asked to “be mature” before they have gained any clarity as to their preferences and how they are inclined to act on those preferences.

For example (I can sense this has become a bit vague for many readers), take a child with a clear preference for extroverting.  She feels a strong need to process her ideas externally (that is, out loud).  When we insist that she “be mature,” it is quite possible she doesn’t understand her preference for external processing (which to her feels like a need) and so we are asking her to work against her natural inclinations with no regard for how difficult that may be.

We need to help the child understand why she feels the need to think out loud and consider strategies for doing so appropriately in community.  This will allow her to grow into maturity rather than demanding maturity apart from the self-awareness and behavioral coaching that make it both meaningful and more likely.

Technorati Tags: myers briggs type indicator,natural inclinations,behavioral norms,personality types,energy information,maturity,decision-making,clarity,preference,control

My theory on parenting–in a nutshell

OK, this one is short and you may totally disagree, but here goes. . . .

My view on parenting: “You’re going to screw your children up; it’s only a question of how badly and in what areas.  My goal is to screw them up as little as possible, in the least consequential areas.”

Perhaps some of you may prefer a more upbeat viewpoint: “You will influence your children in many ways; it’s only a question of how much and in what areas.  My goal is to influence them as positively as possible, in the most significant areas.”

The bottom line: Parenting is about influence and influence grows from:

1. Time spent interacting
2. Effective communication of key values – both in word and action, with an emphasis on consistency of word and action
3. The referent power of the influencer (the degree to which those you influence want to be like you) – this typically involves both respect for the influencer and attraction to the influencer

Technorati Tags: referent power,influencer,nutshell,effective communication,consistency,parenting

Learning from others while making your marriage your own

If you search for the term “marriage” within the category “books” on Amazon.com, you will receive more than 100,000 results.

Some observations:

1. 
   People were married during thousands of years of human history without having access to books on marriage.  Of course, for much of human history families lived intergenerationally and so marriage advice was readily available.
2. I am confident that while there are certain consistent principles found in many of the 100,000-plus resources, there is a great deal of conflicting advice as well.
3. You don’t have time to read all 100,000-plus resources.  To put this in perspective, at one book a day, you would have more than 270 years of reading.

For what it’s worth, here’s my viewpoint.  Talk to all of the people you respect and get every bit of advice they are willing to offer.  Read all of the books you can and glean every applicable principle (determining which books to read and which principles are applicable is itself somewhat challenging).  In the end, your marriage is unique.  It is the union of you and your spouse – two people who have never existed before and who will never exist again.  So while advice and principles are helpful, you should remember that when an author writes, “You need to listen more,” what she means is that listening more worked to help the author’s marriage (if, in fact, the author is being truthful in reporting on her own marriage).  Undoubtedly there’s someone out there who’s listening too much, someone who needs to speak up!

Commit yourself to your marriage and find what works for you.  Don’t let others tell you how you must live, but learn from others what can be applied meaningfully to your relationship.  Then write your own book and offer your own advice, always with the caveat, “This is what worked for us.  Hope it helps you!”

Technorati Tags: marriage,marriage advice,consistent principles,how to improve your marriage,amazon

Resist omnicompetence–celebrate life as a piece of the puzzle

We live in one of those communities.  You know, the ones where parents compete through their children.  Our son went to a prayer summit for children held at the United Nations.  When my wife was explaining to one of his teachers why he had been absent, another mother standing nearby said: “Oh, I need to have Janelle do that next year.”  We’re fairly confident she hadn’t heard the prayer part of the equation and it wasn’t an annual event.  It was just hearing that our son had gone to the UN and realizing that sounded like something her daughter ought to do to keep up.

The problem with this type of setting is that it encourages what I call “omnicompetence” – the belief that parents, families, individuals should be able to do it all.  This is part of the crazy notion that effective parenting is telling your child she can be anything she wants to be.  Guess what?  If your daughter wants to play in the NBA, it isn’t going to happen – it’s a league for men.  If my sons want to play in the NBA, it isn’t going to happen – it’s a league for exceptional athletes.  Their failure to make the NBA won’t be because we haven’t spent enough time telling them they can be and do whatever they choose, but because they are my sons and they have inherited my genetic gifting – a makeup not predisposed to athleticism.

Let’s be honest with our children and with one another.  Let’s pursue what we do well and be thankful for those around us who do other things well.  Let’s try actually needing others rather than shutting them out with our rugged sense of completeness – our omnicompetence.  Release your need for divinity and celebrate that you are a piece of the puzzle, not the entire picture.

Technorati Tags: prayer summit,effective parenting,piece of the puzzle,athleticism,divinity,completeness,makeup,nba,united nations,failure,parents,omnicompetence

“You don’t bring me flowers”–gifts that say “I love you”

Judy and I have been married for more than 20 years.  During that time I have bought her cut flowers less than 10 times.  The last record I can find of flower-giving is May 2004.

That ratio of purchases to years would fail to bring a smile to even the cheeriest florist’s face.  Clearly I haven’t been properly educated in the etiquette of Valentine’s Day, Sweetest Day, Mother’s Day, or a host of other, more obscure, observances such as Random Acts of Kindness Day.

Why am I so stingy, so hard-hearted, so out of touch with the American male’s role in romance?  Four words: “Don’t buy me flowers.”  This directive comes from my wife and is based on the belief that flowers die and if I’m going to spend money on her, she’d rather it be on something that lasts.  Really.

Now the embarrassing part.  Recently I was on a business trip and was alone in my hotel room watching TV.  Flipping between “Millionaire Matchmaker,” “The Green Hornet” marathon, and “48 Hours Mystery,” I stumbled across the Home Shopping Network.  Two very animated women were extolling the virtues of an 18-piece set of Pyrex that could go in the refrigerator, freezer, oven, and microwave.  The special lids allow you to steam vegetables and the glass containers don’t give off any dangerous chemicals associated with plastics.  My resistance crumbled and I finally called.  The shame is unimaginable, but I thought Judy would really like them.  They were a great deal and, besides, they’re going to last a lot longer than flowers.  Anyone up for Pyrex on Valentine’s Day?

Technorati Tags: random acts of kindness day,home shopping network,refrigerator,freezer,valentine's day,floral arrangement,cut flowers,pyrex,sweetest day,florist

Dating the one you love–your best investment for 2011!

Just a short note to encourage those of you who are married to keep dating.  Judy and I have been married for 20+ years and we continue to seek adult time by ourselves.  Interestingly, as our children have gotten older it has actually grown more difficult to date.  Their lives are so much busier and, so while we no longer need a babysitter, it is hard to just leave them and go out for the evening.  Perhaps as our oldest begins to drive the pendulum may swing back toward easier dating again.

I know our financial advisor probably wouldn’t be happy to know that we’ve spent thousands on babysitters and evenings out – money that could have gone toward our eventual retirement.  It’s pretty clear to us, however, that the investment has paid dividends in the strength of our marriage – something we just wouldn’t trade.

So, while I know all of the excuses (kids don’t like babysitters, costs too much, nowhere exciting to go), my encouragement remains: Keep dating the one you love!  It will be the surest investment you make in 2011.  And, by the way, it will help you be better parents as you have time away to strategize and renew.

Technorati Tags: eventual retirement,investment,adult time,dating,babysitters,dividends,marriage,parents,money