Parents Guide to Understanding Your Kids–Tip#3: How to shut down introverts without even trying

Extroverts have a preference for external processing – they like to “think out loud.”  Introverts have a preference for internal processing – they like to “think inside their heads.”

Because of this difference in preference, extroverted parents (and teachers, coaches, youth leaders, etc.) tend, without thinking, to put introverts on the spot by calling on them for immediate responses.  This creates the following crisis – the introvert diverts attention away from the question and her internal processing of an answer, becoming aware that all eyes in the room are now on her.  Instead of being able to focus her processing power on formulating the most effective response and rehearsing that response prior to deciding whether to speak, she must now speak quickly before the answer is formulated and checked for accuracy.  This “deer-in-the-headlights” moment is terribly uncomfortable – like dreaming that wearing only your underwear you’ve walked into a room full of people.  The introvert functions like a dedicated processor, concentrating on the task at hand rather than trying to multitask – particularly when that multitasking calls for internal processing and external processing to occur simultaneously.

The extrovert is entirely comfortable with external processing and often responds to questions, even those directed at others, with an “ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh” vocalization accompanied by flailing of one arm (intended to fulfill the requisite “raising your hand prior to speaking”).  The point is to grab the attention of others, allowing him to insert himself into the conversation, thereby giving him the opportunity to speak.  Meanwhile, the extrovert is ramping up his external processing where he will search for the right answer while buying time with vague generalities or meaningless stories only tangentially related to the topic at hand.  This dual or quad-core processor thrives on multitasking – “I hold my place in the conversation with inane ramblings until I can disguise those words as my intended lead-in to my eventual point – the point that I have been formulating while continuing to talk.”

This sort of place-holding behavior is foreign to introverts and appears ridiculous when compared with their more focused approach.  All of their internal effort is, however, derailed when put on the spot prior to formulating an answer and making the decision to share that answer with others.

The introvert feels overwhelmed, decides to punt, and says, “I don’t know,” while the extrovert in the back of the class is chanting, “Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.”  The introvert did know, she just didn’t have time to decide what she knew, formulate how to communicate that knowledge, and determine it was worth sharing.  Instead of drawing her into the conversation, she’s been put on the spot and effectively shut down.

The answer?  1) Give the introvert time to process – perhaps having her write her responses to questions and then reading those responses.  2) Let the introvert decide when to speak even if she makes her point by going back in time to a previous moment in the conversation.  3) Recognize that introverts really do not feel the need to comment on everything – she can have thoughts she doesn’t need to share.

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