Globalizing is ineffective–never do it!

One should never say “always” and must always avoid “never.”

Globalizing is an enticement to which some people are more susceptible.  Seeking to secure victory by sweeping aside all possibility of counterexample is enticing, but it is a trap to be avoided.

“You never clean up your room.”  “You always leave the refrigerator open.”  “Your hair is always greasy.”  “You never admit that you’re wrong.”

One counterexample and the argument is hopelessly misdirected.  “Six months ago I cleaned my room” steers the conversation into waters unfriendly to your original point.

Here are four principles to keep in mind:

1. Decide whether you are making a general point or dealing with a specific instance.  If you are making a general point, then be careful of getting sucked into a ground war where you are battling over each example.  If you are dealing with a specific instance, make sure the facts are in your favor.
2. Don’t trap the other person.  Don’t ask, “Is your room clean?” when you’ve just walked by your child’s room and seen that it is a mess.
3. Replace “you language” with “I language” – own your statements and don’t try to mind-read the other’s intentions.  Rather than “Your room is a mess, just like always,” try “I just looked into your room and it’s not picked up like we agreed it would be before dinner.  What happened?”  Identify specific behaviors and then let the other person explain the behavior.
4. Be clear about the consequences and don’t be afraid to follow through if an appropriate explanation is not forthcoming: “I forgot – can’t I just clean it up tomorrow?”

Celebrate those few occasions when global statements are appropriate, but otherwise avoid.

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