Entertaining everyone. . . even the dog

Recently Judy commented that Carly, our six-year-old dog, seemed depressed.  The symptoms?  She wasn’t smiling, wagging her tail as vigorously, and appeared lethargic.

Beyond marveling at Judy’s insight into canine nonverbals, I couldn’t help but wonder at where we’ve arrived.  When I was young (I’m now old enough to say that), my parents didn’t worry about the emotional stability of dogs.  They didn’t even feel compelled to entertain their own offspring 24/7.  Now that's not to say they were disengaged as parents, just that the expectations were different.

For some reason parents today feel that they’ve got to entertain everyone. . . even the dog.  I realize that we live in a world with different concerns and seemingly different pressures, but think about it – if I had been abducted on a summer day as a child, my parents wouldn’t have even thought about looking for me for several hours; not until they rang the cowbell to tell us it was time to come home for dinner.  Today we have to know where our children are at every moment and if we feel we’ve lost touch we can text them, call them, track them (with GPS-enabled devices for parents), Facebook them (not sure if that is a verb), and so on.

I do believe (and have said many times) that you cannot schedule quality time with your children.  Quality time grows out of quantity.  I do believe it is responsible to know where your children are going, with whom, for how long, and what they will be doing.

What I don’t believe is that parents are responsible for entertaining their children and making sure they never experience boredom.  Boredom is not the end of your child’s world.  Some experts on child-rearing contend that parents should not intervene every time there is conflict among children because part of that experience is learning how to handle conflict, especially since there won’t always be someone to step in and end it (notice I don’t say “resolve it” because many interventions have little to do with resolution of the issues, they are more about quieting the participants).  Similarly, I would contend that we don’t need to step in each time our child is bored.  Letting children learn how to entertain themselves (appropriately) is a life-skill.  There won’t always be someone to step in and entertain them.

In the movie Breaking Away, the father of the main character – a young man moving from high school to college – is upset that his son isn’t working with him at the used-car lot.  His reasoning: "He's never tired. He's never miserable. When I was young I was tired and miserable!"  So, in that spirit I say: “They’re never bored.  They’re never without entertainment.  When I was young I was bored and had to create my own entertainment.”

I’m not calling for parents to be unengaged and disinterested in their children’s lives, I’m just making the observation that when you’re worried about the emotional states of your pet, you may have succumbed to the unreasonable expectation that you’re required to entertain everyone. . . even the dog.

Technorati Tags: boredom,entertain,children,dog,conflict

Parents Guide to Understanding Your Kids–Tip#3: How to shut down introverts without even trying

Extroverts have a preference for external processing – they like to “think out loud.”  Introverts have a preference for internal processing – they like to “think inside their heads.”

Because of this difference in preference, extroverted parents (and teachers, coaches, youth leaders, etc.) tend, without thinking, to put introverts on the spot by calling on them for immediate responses.  This creates the following crisis – the introvert diverts attention away from the question and her internal processing of an answer, becoming aware that all eyes in the room are now on her.  Instead of being able to focus her processing power on formulating the most effective response and rehearsing that response prior to deciding whether to speak, she must now speak quickly before the answer is formulated and checked for accuracy.  This “deer-in-the-headlights” moment is terribly uncomfortable – like dreaming that wearing only your underwear you’ve walked into a room full of people.  The introvert functions like a dedicated processor, concentrating on the task at hand rather than trying to multitask – particularly when that multitasking calls for internal processing and external processing to occur simultaneously.

The extrovert is entirely comfortable with external processing and often responds to questions, even those directed at others, with an “ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh” vocalization accompanied by flailing of one arm (intended to fulfill the requisite “raising your hand prior to speaking”).  The point is to grab the attention of others, allowing him to insert himself into the conversation, thereby giving him the opportunity to speak.  Meanwhile, the extrovert is ramping up his external processing where he will search for the right answer while buying time with vague generalities or meaningless stories only tangentially related to the topic at hand.  This dual or quad-core processor thrives on multitasking – “I hold my place in the conversation with inane ramblings until I can disguise those words as my intended lead-in to my eventual point – the point that I have been formulating while continuing to talk.”

This sort of place-holding behavior is foreign to introverts and appears ridiculous when compared with their more focused approach.  All of their internal effort is, however, derailed when put on the spot prior to formulating an answer and making the decision to share that answer with others.

The introvert feels overwhelmed, decides to punt, and says, “I don’t know,” while the extrovert in the back of the class is chanting, “Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.”  The introvert did know, she just didn’t have time to decide what she knew, formulate how to communicate that knowledge, and determine it was worth sharing.  Instead of drawing her into the conversation, she’s been put on the spot and effectively shut down.

The answer?  1) Give the introvert time to process – perhaps having her write her responses to questions and then reading those responses.  2) Let the introvert decide when to speak even if she makes her point by going back in time to a previous moment in the conversation.  3) Recognize that introverts really do not feel the need to comment on everything – she can have thoughts she doesn’t need to share.

Technorati Tags: extrovert,introvert,internal processing,external processing,multitasking,preference

Unable, unwilling, or uninterested

Dunking a basketball, understanding offsides, and scoring a try.

I am unable to dunk a basketball unless you lower the net, give me a mini-trampoline, or I spend the next three years conditioning.  The first, if done sufficiently, will enable my success.  The second might lead to injury or success or injurious success.  The third isn’t going to happen and in all likelihood still wouldn’t produce a dunk with a standard ball and rim height.  Some people would argue that everything you might put in the “unable” category really belongs in the “unwilling” category, but I don’t think that’s true.  I am unable to run a three-minute mile, and so are you.

Parents in my community appear unwilling to learn the offside rule in soccer.  Every year I listen to them talk as though something mysterious or downright conspiratorial has happened every time offsides is called.  (For the benefit of those parents, I have copied in an explanation of the rule at the bottom of this post.)

The other day I was watching rugby.  My kids tolerated it for a while and then began asking me to change the channel.  I like watching rugby but still don’t understand many of the rules.  Somehow it always sounds odd to my American ears when one team “scores a try”- I understand trying to score and succeeding in scoring, but “scores a try” just sounds like you’ve succeeded in trying to score.  Anyway, my kids are uninterested in rugby.

What does any of this have to do with family communication?  Glad you asked.  You are unable to guarantee the success of your child (or spouse, parent, etc.) because it depends, in large measure, on his/her volitional freedom – the willingness to make right choices.  You may be unwilling to take the time to have difficult conversations or to engage your child for the quantity of time that allows moments of quality to emerge.  You may be uninterested in much of your child’s world because it is foreign and played by rules you don’t understand or have chosen to forget.  (Who could willingly, as an adult, inhabit the world of middle school girl relationships?)

Don’t let what you are unable to do, keep you from those relational choices that currently you are unwilling or uninterested in making.  Invest in getting to know your child and his/her world – you may discover that playing the game or observing his/her game takes on new meaning and captivates you in ways you never imagined possible.

Click here for an explanation of soccer’s offside rule.

In soccer, an offside foul is called when an offensive player, or attacking player, is passed the ball and there are not at least two opponents between him or her and the goal line. Usually, these are the goalkeeper and one other defender, but not necessarily. The penalty for an offside foul is that the other team is given possession of the ball.

It's also important to note that offside applies at the moment the ball is passed, not at the moment the ball is received. Therefore, if the offensive player that will receive the pass is "onside" at the time the ball is passed, but then runs behind the unsuspecting defender before receiving the pass, the receiving offensive player is not offsides.

Click here for an explanation of rugby terms.

Technorati Tags: offsides,rugby,parents,unable,unwilling,uninterested

Have you prepared your child for maturity?

I define maturity as “living out one’s preferences appropriately in community.”

I use this definition when talking about Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, people’s personality types, and their preferences in the areas of energy, information, decision-making, and control.

While “appropriately” is unavoidably vague, it conveys the idea that we are not free to say we are mature while insisting on our preferences without regard for others or for the behavioral norms and expectations of our community.

My concern is that children are being asked to “be mature” before they have gained any clarity as to their preferences and how they are inclined to act on those preferences.

For example (I can sense this has become a bit vague for many readers), take a child with a clear preference for extroverting.  She feels a strong need to process her ideas externally (that is, out loud).  When we insist that she “be mature,” it is quite possible she doesn’t understand her preference for external processing (which to her feels like a need) and so we are asking her to work against her natural inclinations with no regard for how difficult that may be.

We need to help the child understand why she feels the need to think out loud and consider strategies for doing so appropriately in community.  This will allow her to grow into maturity rather than demanding maturity apart from the self-awareness and behavioral coaching that make it both meaningful and more likely.

Technorati Tags: myers briggs type indicator,natural inclinations,behavioral norms,personality types,energy information,maturity,decision-making,clarity,preference,control

My theory on parenting–in a nutshell

OK, this one is short and you may totally disagree, but here goes. . . .

My view on parenting: “You’re going to screw your children up; it’s only a question of how badly and in what areas.  My goal is to screw them up as little as possible, in the least consequential areas.”

Perhaps some of you may prefer a more upbeat viewpoint: “You will influence your children in many ways; it’s only a question of how much and in what areas.  My goal is to influence them as positively as possible, in the most significant areas.”

The bottom line: Parenting is about influence and influence grows from:

1. Time spent interacting
2. Effective communication of key values – both in word and action, with an emphasis on consistency of word and action
3. The referent power of the influencer (the degree to which those you influence want to be like you) – this typically involves both respect for the influencer and attraction to the influencer

Technorati Tags: referent power,influencer,nutshell,effective communication,consistency,parenting

Learning from others while making your marriage your own

If you search for the term “marriage” within the category “books” on Amazon.com, you will receive more than 100,000 results.

Some observations:

1. 
   People were married during thousands of years of human history without having access to books on marriage.  Of course, for much of human history families lived intergenerationally and so marriage advice was readily available.
2. I am confident that while there are certain consistent principles found in many of the 100,000-plus resources, there is a great deal of conflicting advice as well.
3. You don’t have time to read all 100,000-plus resources.  To put this in perspective, at one book a day, you would have more than 270 years of reading.

For what it’s worth, here’s my viewpoint.  Talk to all of the people you respect and get every bit of advice they are willing to offer.  Read all of the books you can and glean every applicable principle (determining which books to read and which principles are applicable is itself somewhat challenging).  In the end, your marriage is unique.  It is the union of you and your spouse – two people who have never existed before and who will never exist again.  So while advice and principles are helpful, you should remember that when an author writes, “You need to listen more,” what she means is that listening more worked to help the author’s marriage (if, in fact, the author is being truthful in reporting on her own marriage).  Undoubtedly there’s someone out there who’s listening too much, someone who needs to speak up!

Commit yourself to your marriage and find what works for you.  Don’t let others tell you how you must live, but learn from others what can be applied meaningfully to your relationship.  Then write your own book and offer your own advice, always with the caveat, “This is what worked for us.  Hope it helps you!”

Technorati Tags: marriage,marriage advice,consistent principles,how to improve your marriage,amazon

Resist omnicompetence–celebrate life as a piece of the puzzle

We live in one of those communities.  You know, the ones where parents compete through their children.  Our son went to a prayer summit for children held at the United Nations.  When my wife was explaining to one of his teachers why he had been absent, another mother standing nearby said: “Oh, I need to have Janelle do that next year.”  We’re fairly confident she hadn’t heard the prayer part of the equation and it wasn’t an annual event.  It was just hearing that our son had gone to the UN and realizing that sounded like something her daughter ought to do to keep up.

The problem with this type of setting is that it encourages what I call “omnicompetence” – the belief that parents, families, individuals should be able to do it all.  This is part of the crazy notion that effective parenting is telling your child she can be anything she wants to be.  Guess what?  If your daughter wants to play in the NBA, it isn’t going to happen – it’s a league for men.  If my sons want to play in the NBA, it isn’t going to happen – it’s a league for exceptional athletes.  Their failure to make the NBA won’t be because we haven’t spent enough time telling them they can be and do whatever they choose, but because they are my sons and they have inherited my genetic gifting – a makeup not predisposed to athleticism.

Let’s be honest with our children and with one another.  Let’s pursue what we do well and be thankful for those around us who do other things well.  Let’s try actually needing others rather than shutting them out with our rugged sense of completeness – our omnicompetence.  Release your need for divinity and celebrate that you are a piece of the puzzle, not the entire picture.

Technorati Tags: prayer summit,effective parenting,piece of the puzzle,athleticism,divinity,completeness,makeup,nba,united nations,failure,parents,omnicompetence