Learning from others while making your marriage your own

If you search for the term “marriage” within the category “books” on Amazon.com, you will receive more than 100,000 results.

Some observations:

1. 
   People were married during thousands of years of human history without having access to books on marriage.  Of course, for much of human history families lived intergenerationally and so marriage advice was readily available.
2. I am confident that while there are certain consistent principles found in many of the 100,000-plus resources, there is a great deal of conflicting advice as well.
3. You don’t have time to read all 100,000-plus resources.  To put this in perspective, at one book a day, you would have more than 270 years of reading.

For what it’s worth, here’s my viewpoint.  Talk to all of the people you respect and get every bit of advice they are willing to offer.  Read all of the books you can and glean every applicable principle (determining which books to read and which principles are applicable is itself somewhat challenging).  In the end, your marriage is unique.  It is the union of you and your spouse – two people who have never existed before and who will never exist again.  So while advice and principles are helpful, you should remember that when an author writes, “You need to listen more,” what she means is that listening more worked to help the author’s marriage (if, in fact, the author is being truthful in reporting on her own marriage).  Undoubtedly there’s someone out there who’s listening too much, someone who needs to speak up!

Commit yourself to your marriage and find what works for you.  Don’t let others tell you how you must live, but learn from others what can be applied meaningfully to your relationship.  Then write your own book and offer your own advice, always with the caveat, “This is what worked for us.  Hope it helps you!”

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Resist omnicompetence–celebrate life as a piece of the puzzle

We live in one of those communities.  You know, the ones where parents compete through their children.  Our son went to a prayer summit for children held at the United Nations.  When my wife was explaining to one of his teachers why he had been absent, another mother standing nearby said: “Oh, I need to have Janelle do that next year.”  We’re fairly confident she hadn’t heard the prayer part of the equation and it wasn’t an annual event.  It was just hearing that our son had gone to the UN and realizing that sounded like something her daughter ought to do to keep up.

The problem with this type of setting is that it encourages what I call “omnicompetence” – the belief that parents, families, individuals should be able to do it all.  This is part of the crazy notion that effective parenting is telling your child she can be anything she wants to be.  Guess what?  If your daughter wants to play in the NBA, it isn’t going to happen – it’s a league for men.  If my sons want to play in the NBA, it isn’t going to happen – it’s a league for exceptional athletes.  Their failure to make the NBA won’t be because we haven’t spent enough time telling them they can be and do whatever they choose, but because they are my sons and they have inherited my genetic gifting – a makeup not predisposed to athleticism.

Let’s be honest with our children and with one another.  Let’s pursue what we do well and be thankful for those around us who do other things well.  Let’s try actually needing others rather than shutting them out with our rugged sense of completeness – our omnicompetence.  Release your need for divinity and celebrate that you are a piece of the puzzle, not the entire picture.

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“You don’t bring me flowers”–gifts that say “I love you”

Judy and I have been married for more than 20 years.  During that time I have bought her cut flowers less than 10 times.  The last record I can find of flower-giving is May 2004.

That ratio of purchases to years would fail to bring a smile to even the cheeriest florist’s face.  Clearly I haven’t been properly educated in the etiquette of Valentine’s Day, Sweetest Day, Mother’s Day, or a host of other, more obscure, observances such as Random Acts of Kindness Day.

Why am I so stingy, so hard-hearted, so out of touch with the American male’s role in romance?  Four words: “Don’t buy me flowers.”  This directive comes from my wife and is based on the belief that flowers die and if I’m going to spend money on her, she’d rather it be on something that lasts.  Really.

Now the embarrassing part.  Recently I was on a business trip and was alone in my hotel room watching TV.  Flipping between “Millionaire Matchmaker,” “The Green Hornet” marathon, and “48 Hours Mystery,” I stumbled across the Home Shopping Network.  Two very animated women were extolling the virtues of an 18-piece set of Pyrex that could go in the refrigerator, freezer, oven, and microwave.  The special lids allow you to steam vegetables and the glass containers don’t give off any dangerous chemicals associated with plastics.  My resistance crumbled and I finally called.  The shame is unimaginable, but I thought Judy would really like them.  They were a great deal and, besides, they’re going to last a lot longer than flowers.  Anyone up for Pyrex on Valentine’s Day?

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Dating the one you love–your best investment for 2011!

Just a short note to encourage those of you who are married to keep dating.  Judy and I have been married for 20+ years and we continue to seek adult time by ourselves.  Interestingly, as our children have gotten older it has actually grown more difficult to date.  Their lives are so much busier and, so while we no longer need a babysitter, it is hard to just leave them and go out for the evening.  Perhaps as our oldest begins to drive the pendulum may swing back toward easier dating again.

I know our financial advisor probably wouldn’t be happy to know that we’ve spent thousands on babysitters and evenings out – money that could have gone toward our eventual retirement.  It’s pretty clear to us, however, that the investment has paid dividends in the strength of our marriage – something we just wouldn’t trade.

So, while I know all of the excuses (kids don’t like babysitters, costs too much, nowhere exciting to go), my encouragement remains: Keep dating the one you love!  It will be the surest investment you make in 2011.  And, by the way, it will help you be better parents as you have time away to strategize and renew.

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Happy New Year from Julian Consulting!

I just want to pen a brief note of thanks to all of you who have made 2010 a great year for Julian Consulting!

I’ve treasured the opportunities to serve you in a variety of contexts and look forward to partnering together in 2011.  That partnership may take a number of forms:

• Your reading and commenting on this blog
• My serving you and your team in helping to promote your professional and personal success
• Effective Family Communication seminars and family events
• Our continuing friendship and deepening appreciation for one another

Some of you I will never meet, but I appreciate you.  We may be interconnected only through pixels and information pipelines, but that doesn’t make the encouragement that comes from the exchange of ideas and information any less real.

May you be blessed as you are a blessing to others!  In 2011, my continuing hope for each of us is that we are becoming the people we were created to be, people who are learning to communicate effectively.

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Traditions–Preserving Old Ones, Starting New Ones

I remember seeing Fiddler on the Roof when I was a child.  I can still recall a number of the songs and can hear “Tradition!” ringing in my mind.

Here are a few of our family Christmas traditions:

• We sit in church as a family on Christmas Eve (normal Sunday services find us spread throughout the sanctuary)
• My Dad suggests that we each open just one gift on Christmas Eve – he always suggests, we never do – it’s tradition
• We open all of our gifts one individual at a time from youngest to oldest on Christmas morning

There are community traditions, family traditions, individual traditions.  An example of the last is that I always tell Judy to “order whatever you like” when we go on a dinner date.  Never mind that I know she will order what she wants, it’s just a tradition from our days of counting pennies to let her know that I want her to enjoy the evening and not worry about the cost.

This Christmas we went to our church’s Travelers’ Eve service on December 23.  Although we weren’t traveling, we spent Christmas Eve at a homeless shelter helping serve dinner to about 350 people.  We came home from that experience reminded of just how blessed we are.  Sometimes it’s good to buck tradition, maybe starting a new one.

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Speaking “toddler”–a language I’ve struggled to master

Years ago I sat in a McDonald’s and watched a mother and son have a meaningful conversation.  Unremarkable except that the child was probably 3 or 4 years old.  I remember thinking at the time: “How can an adult converse so effectively with a young child?”  I had three young children and felt I was often speaking over their heads (probably literally as well as figuratively).  Here I watched a mother speak in simple, concrete terms that her child understood and to which he was able, even invited, to respond.

So for all of you out there who communicate effectively with toddlers and pre-schoolers, I want to say just how impressed with your ability I remain.

Much of this blog deals with communication between spouses and among family members, but given my own strengths and interests, the topics tend to deal with children who are upper elementary school and older.  I’ll try to slip in some tips periodically for those of you with younger children in the hopes of keeping you on board.  If you want to share some insights that you think would be good for others, please drop me a line at stephen@julianconsulting.org – I’m always willing to learn.

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