“Blame Somebody Else Day” – Whose fault is that?

Recently I learned that the first Friday the 13th of each year is officially “Blame Somebody Else Day.”  This year it came quite early – the 2nd week of January.  I’m not sure why the connection is made between Friday the 13th and blaming others, but I’m fairly confident some people thought that every day was BSED.

How about “Take Responsibility Lifetime?”  Many have lamented our victim culture – people who refuse to take responsibility for any of life’s ills or perceived slights.

While I know some would like us to believe that we can never really blame others because we are always responsible for our responses and emotions, I would take a somewhat amended view.  I do believe we are responsible for our responses and often for our emotions, but am persuaded that some emotional responses are close to being hard-wired and instinctual.  But that leaves a lot of room for recognition of our responsibility during our “Take Responsibility Lifetime.”

I’m hoping BSED fails to catch on, although as I noted it may not really matter since some people live as though it is BSED perpetually.

Let’s teach our kids to take responsibility, to exercise control where possible (i.e., self-control), and to exert influence to achieve right results in the world around them.  What they don’t need is another excuse to blame somebody else!

Technorati Tags: victim culture,blame game,emotional responses,first friday the 13th,self control,excuse,take responsibility lifetime

The ladder of social standing – making the choice that is best for you vs. the choice that is perceived as best by others

Tuesday we had a conversation over dinner about the percussion section within marching band.  The gist of the discussion was that there is a natural hierarchy to the instruments played within the percussion section and that choosing to move from a higher instrument to a lower instrument is socially unacceptable.

I attempted to point out that any such hierarchy is simply a creation of the community and as such a person who is secure should be able to play whichever instrument at whatever point in his musical career he chooses.  That argument made little headway among our three teenagers and reminded me again that we often accept community-defined hierarchies as though they are reality.

First a quiz and then I’ll turn to us as adults.

QUIZ: Put the following instruments into ascending order of social standing among the percussion section.

A) Marching bass drum

B) Marching snare

C) Marching quads

D) Cymbals

Adults: Do we fall into the same trap when it comes to the zip code in which we live, the make of car we drive, and the labels in our clothing?  Of course, as adults we have sophisticated explanations as to why our choices are the appropriate ones and how we have discerned some real difference of significance among the choices.  I have no problem with that as long as we are being honest with ourselves.  If a person used to drive a Lexus and now drives a Hyundai, must that reflect a loss in social standing or could it be that the Hyundai is the best choice for this person at this time?

Are you trapped on the ladder of social standing, always fearing that a perceived step back is a real loss?

Don’t allow the perceptions of others to control your behavior – that’s a lesson we are trying to teach our teenagers and one that many of us need to relearn.

ANSWER: In ascending order, the instruments are D, A, C, B.  Having reached the pinnacle of playing snare, one would never descend the mountain of instrumental greatness to play cymbals.  Trust me on this.

Twelve suggestions for the New Year – An Update

Here’s a brief recap of my twelve suggestions and an update on how I’m doing with each one.  I’ll post my score at the bottom.

#12: Write a handwritten note each month to someone who will appreciate receiving snail mail.

I did send a couple of handwritten cards earlier this year, but this one’s really a struggle for me. (0.5)

#11: Since eleven is the number of participants on a side in both versions of football, I encourage you to join a team this year – to be part of something larger than yourself, something (outside of work) where you share in the outcome with others.

Hasn’t happened yet.  Unless eating wings with friends at Fricker’s counts.  Didn’t think so. (0.0)

#10: The next time your family gathers for a grandparent's birthday celebration, have that person share one significant memory from each decade of his/her life.

Have done this in the past – need to revive this one for 2012.  Wow – so far I’m not off to a great start. (0.0)

#9: Only cats have nine lives.  Buckle up and put the phone down while driving.

Always wear a seatbelt.  Actually looked at a Bluetooth device for my phone the other day.  Probably not doing great on the phone (OK, that’s a fail). (0.5)

#8: Get eight hours of sleep. So I'm going to try and get in a routine that allows me to spend eight hours in bed even if not every minute is spent sleeping.

This was not a sexual reference as some read it to be.  I will say that I am doing much better about getting to bed earlier and getting more sleep. (1.0)

#7: Have a Sabbath rest each week.  This Jewish tradition is thousands of years old and just as needed today.  For me personally, a Sabbath rest is a reminder that I need to trust in the presence and provision of God.

Doing well on this one – I’ve been consciously considering it each weekend as I plan my days. (1.0)

#6: It's amazing how much energy many of us expend getting the parking spot closest to the door.  How about parking six spots beyond the closest and getting some additional exercise walking a few yards further each way?  It won't change your life, but may remind you of the need to keep moving those joints.  Of course, if it's pouring, get as close as possible.

Actually have thought about this a lot and am working to make it happen. (1.0)

#5: Lose five pounds by no longer drinking sugary drinks.  The average American consumes 20 teaspoons of sugar per day, much of it in sugary drinks.  My problem is I rarely drink soda, so I'll have to find another way to lose those pounds.

Sugary drink intake hasn’t changed for me – already drink so little in that category.  As I said, I need to find another way to lose those pounds. (0.5)

#4: Read one book a quarter - that's one book every three months.

I’m doing this and loving my Kindle in the process.  For one thing, my Kindle is used only for reading (I know you can set up your e-mail accounts on your Kindle, but that would just be one more place I would be distracted). (1.0)

#3: Think of three people from your past to thank for their contributions to your life.  I did this a while back and the responses were wonderful.

I’m still counting the notes I sent in the recent past – I just need to sit down and think of another three people to thank.  That shouldn’t be too hard! (0.5)

#2: Travel to two places this year that you've never been to before.  Choose one local destination (every community has interesting spots worth visiting - don't they?) and one at a distance.

Before the year’s out we’re headed to Mt. Rushmore – that’s my faraway spot.  Not sure about the local destination – have to keep working on that one. (0.5)

#1: Once a day tell someone "I love you."

This is not a struggle for me.  I love words of affirmation and try to give them freely, especially within my family. (1.0)

That’s a 7.5 out of 12.  Probably a “D” but since it’s only March, I’ll recast that as a positive and say I’m off to a reasonable start.  Have to update you later this year.

What’s your score so far in 2012?

Love Language #5

The fifth love language is physical touch.

This isn’t just a reference to sexual activity, but to simple everyday expressions of presence and caring.  Hugs, light touches to face, pats on the back, and holding hands all qualify.

For those who are married and have children at home, the next step after identifying your spouse’s primary love language, is to determine the love languages of your children.  This will help to reinforce your genuine affection for your children in ways that they understand and appreciate.

Start speaking the love languages of others and see how much better they understand you!

Click here for a link to the book on Amazon.

Click here for a link to my Effective Family Communication newsletter archive.  You’ll find the first four love languages in February’s newsletter.

Ten Lessons from 25 Years of Marriage

Judy and I have been asked to speak at a Valentine’s Day dinner for the young couples from our church.  Until recently we wanted to think we were a “young couple,” but as we approach 25 years of marriage this summer, we can no longer keep up that charade.

Here are the ten insights we are sharing – of course, we’ll provide some illustrations and explanations when we speak tonight.  Hope one is of interest and value to you.

1. Judy: Give up the need to be right on all of the details.
2. Stephen: You can win the argument and lose the heart of your spouse
3. Judy: Speak your spouse’s love language / understand their personality type (Myers-Briggs).
4. Stephen: Pick a personality assessment, know it, and apply its insights to your relationship.
5. Judy: Don’t air your spouse’s issues to friends.
6. Stephen: Read the books, listen to the speakers (like us), and then do what works for you.  Make your marriage your own.
7. Judy: We are good at forgiving and forgetting.
8. Stephen: Quit hinting and mindreading – say “This is what I need from you.”
9. Judy: Be your spouse’s best friend.
10. Stephen: Spend money on your relationship – invest in dating (babysitters when kids are young) and time away.

May you have a blessed culturally mandated expression of love on February 14th!

Technorati Tags: myers briggs,valentine's day,personality assessment,young couples,best friend,babysitters,insights,marriage,heart,love,money

Celebrating difference – Where do you get your energy?

We are a highly extroverted family – “the loud family” is what we call ourselves.  But our youngest is an introvert through and through.  That has led us to modify our parenting style with him to make sure we aren’t asking him to live his life according to our energy preferences (extroverts get their energy from activity in the outside world and from other people; introverts get their energy internally, from reflection, and independent activity).

Yesterday Judy called out from her computer: “I’m entering a contest where we can win dinner for 20 at Maggiano’s.”

Our youngest, without missing a beat, responded: “Who would even want to eat with 19 other people?”

Exactly.

His suggestion.  Take four friends so that each of them get four dinners.  I think he ended up concluding that it might be best to dine alone and get all 20 dinners.

Make sure that you aren’t trying to help others gain energy in the way that works for you.  You may be sucking the life out of them instead!

Technorati Tags: parenting style,maggiano's,loud family,energy,introvert,reflection,extrovert

Top Five Regrets of the Dying – What are your priorities?

I’m sitting here listening to the new compilation of Dylan covers: Chimes of Freedom (click on the title for a link to the album).  Specifically to Jeff Beck’s version of “Like a Rolling Stone” – “How does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?”  So I’m feeling a bit reflective.

One of my clients just sent me the link to an article written by Bronnie Ware (click on the preceding highlight for a link to the article).  Bronnie worked for years with those nearing death and she cataloged their top five regrets.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I don’t necessarily agree with each of her interpretations or applications related to these five regrets, but I find the regrets interesting.  To me they seem to circle around the term “priorities.”

We must make choices about what we want out of this life and what we are willing to do to achieve those priorities.

Probably the most powerful part of her article for me was the following: “It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”  I’ve seen people who are disabled or in poor health live meaningful lives, but she is correct that there is a freedom that health provides – one we often take for granted.

So what will you do today, this month, this year to minimize your regrets?

How will you teach your children to live a life of minimal regrets?

Technorati Tags: chimes of freedom,jeff beck,rolling stone,priorities,regrets,bronnie ware