Even the Mayans had to synchronize their schedules

There are plenty of opportunities each week for the typical family to get their signals crossed.  Parents are coming and going, children are involved in all sorts of activities.

Judy and I haven’t managed to have a unified calendar since I use an electronic version and she uses paper.  So, for all of you with one electronic calendar shared on G-mail or Outlook, the trick is simply keeping the calendar up-to-date.

I’ve encouraged a number of clients to have a weekly calendar session.  Judy and I do this informally – usually each Sunday evening we will have a conversation about the coming week – we look at our social commitments and transportation issues.  Judy handles our social calendar and I don’t mind going places as long as I know with enough lead time to prepare.

One couple I dealt with had a great deal of conflict each week over violated expectations.  Both spouses work and the wife would promise to be home early – wanting to please her husband and keep the peace.  Once at work, however, she would realize she needed to stay late.  Her husband no longer believed her assurances about coming home and grew more frustrated with her schedule.  Her attempts to keep the peace only made things worse.  I encouraged them to have a calendar session each week.  After a few weeks I asked my client how it was going and she said that things had improved markedly.  She would identify the nights she was going to be late and kept her promise to be home at the dinner hour on the other nights.  It wasn’t so much about whether she was early or late as much as it was about expectations and interpretations of why expectations had been violated – her husband’s feeling that her work must be more important to her than her family was.

As with so many issues it comes down to communication.  Be honest about what you need from other family members each week and don’t make promises you are unable to keep.

This issue is not new – even the Mayans had to synchronize their schedules.  At least you don’t have to roll a couple of large stones into the kitchen each week to have your calendar session.  No excuses – just commit to making it happen (put it on your calendars) and you’ll be thankful you did.

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Learning from the movies – The King’s Speech

Last night my wife and I watched “The King’s Speech” (rated R for language).  It was a reminder of many lessons:

1) Childhood traumas and the self-perception we develop as children impact us as adults.  We cannot leave our childhoods behind like a caboose released from a moving train, that slowly rolls to a stop and fades in the distance while we continue our journey without it.

2) Being part of the royal family isn’t as glamorous as it might appear from the outside.  There are simple pleasures and freedoms that we commoners enjoy.

3) There is hope – life isn’t a static state moving toward a predetermined end.  We can change.  We can learn.  We can grow.

4) Change and growth require humility as we admit our need and are willing to learn from others, including people that may not share our rank or station in life.

5) Formal education and degrees are never a replacement for experience and the application of common sense principles.

6) Some people really do love us for who we are – whether king or pauper.

7) We all need friends, even if our “friends” are not the all-inclusive soul-mates who can share every aspect of our lives.

Technorati Tags: childhood traumas,self perception,soul mates,common sense principles,simple pleasures,static state,moving train,commoners,caboose,formal education,pauper,royal family,king,humility,freedoms

Hassle theory of love – and employment

I was with a client recently, talking about how someone had responded to two people in similar circumstances quite differently.  It reminded me of my hassle theory of love.

Back when I was single, I used to say that I knew I was in love when I was willing to put up with the hassles.  Being single makes scheduling, decision-making, TV-watching, eating, and spending money easier because you don’t have to factor in the interests of another.  But when you’re in love you put up with the hassles because it’s worth it.

The reason the person my client and I were discussing had responded differently to two people in similar circumstances was because with the one person it wasn’t worth the hassle and with the other it was.

So I realized this theory applies to business relationships as well.  Why do some people get away with certain behaviors while others don’t?  Because the first set of people are worth the hassles, the second set aren’t.

What makes someone in business worth the hassles?  They’re well connected, they are brilliant in some key area, they are otherwise quite likeable, they have been loyal for many years, and so on.

Why am I married?  Because Judy’s friendship and presence were worth any hassle I might ever experience.  I trust she feels the same.

Kids? The difference with kids is that you don’t get to experience the hassles (not really – babysitting and visiting friends with kids don’t truly count because you get to leave) until you’ve made the commitment and, for reasonably functional individuals, divorcing your kids is much more difficult than divorcing your spouse.

That’s why I’m often reminded of Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart” (NASB).  I must be cautious that I don’t make my parenting such a hassle to my children that they lose heart.  Sure they’ll put up with a lot coming from me, just as I do with them.  But I must be careful that I don’t take advantage of their love, especially as I am to be the mature adult in the relationship.

Hassles are the cost of meaningful relationship.  Just be thankful you get to experience them with people you love.  Because the cost of a hassle-free life is relational isolation.

Technorati Tags: relationships,hassles,love,isolation,hassle theory of love

Watching what you watch

According to our children we are the most restrictive parents on the planet.  I find that amusing, in part, because I know two things: 1) How I was raised, and 2) How some of our friends are raising their children.

One area we’ve tried to hold the line – and a significant reason for our “most restrictive parents” award – is in what our children view.  We are not nearly as restrictive as some when it comes to “screen time,” but we are more restrictive than many when it comes to content.  I guess you could say we are lenient on the quantity and restrictive on the quality.

For one thing, my kids know more about animals than I ever will.  Animal Planet deserves credit for part of this education.  And while I don’t find many of the comedies directed at young teens all that funny, they are no worse than the fare on which I was raised (Gilligan’s Island, Brady Bunch, Hogan’s Heroes, just to name a few).  [It turns out that Gilligan’s Island provided brilliant insight into the American democratic impulse – who knew?  Follow the link to read the article.]

Recently I read a story (in a book that I will feature in an upcoming newsletter) about a young girl whose relationship with her father was undermined because of something she saw on TV and didn’t know how to process properly.  The gist is that she thought all men were sexual predators and that her birth must be due to her father’s sexual aggression toward her mother.  Her family physician was able to help her reframe what she had seen and thereby to reassess her father’s character.

The point is quite simple – sometimes we forget that people really do develop over time and that our experiences shape our interpretation of what we see. When we, as adults, watch a movie or television show, we are able to put the actions and dialogue into the context of our life experience.  When children or young teens watch the same movie or television show they often lack (thankfully) the life experiences of an adult and so process what they see differently – or, sometimes, really have no idea how to process what they are seeing (consider the young girl mentioned in the preceding paragraph).

That’s why it’s important to watch what we allow our children to watch.  There are many things worse than being the most restrictive parents your children know. Besides if your children are like ours, they’ve learned to use hyperbole to bolster an otherwise sagging case.

Resource: I recommend With Kids in Mind – I use this when deciding what movies our children will be allowed to view.  It helps me to wield my “most restrictive” parenting power judiciously.  As I’m sure you know, the PG movie of the 70s and 80s is often the PG-13 movie of today, and not all PG-13 movies are created equal.  That’s where a tool like With Kids in Mind really helps.

Technorati Tags: sherwood schwartz,brilliant insight,brady bunch,watching television,animal planet,children,comedies,democracy,restrictive,young teens

The value of secondary friendships

Hopefully you have friends and hopefully they extend beyond a collection of Facebook walls, LinkedIn contacts and Twitter followers – actual people with whom you can sit down over a cup of coffee.

What happens when your life is in turmoil and you feel as though you will damage those relationships if you are entirely honest about your struggles and the challenges you face?  What if your friends tire of your travails and eventually begin screening your calls?  What then?

That’s where you’ll see the value of secondary friendships – people who genuinely care and are willing to listen, but who aren’t a part of your everyday life.  We had the opportunity to serve as secondary friends to a couple in crisis.  We went out to dinner and listened (although I warned them that as a professional advice-giver I might have some ideas for them).  I don’t know that anything was solved, but they felt freedom to be honest while knowing that we weren’t the people they would be rubbing shoulders with tomorrow.

Seek out secondary friends when needed.  Be a secondary friend to another.  Professional counseling has its place, but sometimes having a secondary friend who will listen is just what you need.

Technorati Tags: advice giver,cup of coffee,professional advice-giver,turmoil,challenges,counseling,relationships,secondary friends,secondary friendships

How to Score a Gaming Trifecta

I love games – I’ve written about some of my favorites in past blog posts and since then I’ve picked up a few more.  It’s a great way to spend time with my kids and their friends, and can provide an opportunity for learning important lessons about winning well and losing with dignity.

There are three reasons I play games: 1) Fun, 2) Relationships, and 3) Winning.

I play party games for fun – I don’t really care who wins, although I may get fairly animated in the process.  Ultimately these games are about having a great time with friends.  Usually the conversation in which the game is immersed is more interesting than the game itself.  It’s a great way to get to know others better in a nonthreatening environment, surrounded by laughter.

I played church softball one season to build relationships with guys who rarely showed up at church.  As a pastor, I figured that joining the softball team was the best way to get to know them.  Let’s just say I wasn’t all that good at softball.  Our league used team members as umpires.  I was placed at first base to make the calls and evidently got the first one horribly wrong.  Eventually I found myself back on the bench and so I started wandering through the stands talking to people.  The coach looked up and yelled at me: “Julian – are we here to play or are we here to socialize?”  I would have thought the answer was self-evident.

Most games I, like Charlie Sheen, play to win (sorry, couldn’t resist).  I lost my share of games on purpose to my children, but mostly I figure it is good for them to either win fairly or lose.  As they’ve gotten older this is not an issue since I’m often the one who needs a break.

The trifecta is when I can play a game with family and friends where we are having fun, building relationships, and I’m still playing to win – then it really doesn’t matter if I win the game, I’m winning at life.

Technorati Tags: nonthreatening environment,charlie sheen,having a great time,church softball,building relationships,party games,softball team,trifecta,having fun,dignity,family and friends,laughter,team members,game,winning

Father’s Day – Celebrating the influence of my dad

Thanks to my father for his consistent example of godly living.  Dad has impacted my life significantly – here are five specific ways:

1. He chooses people over things and downplays the significance of material possessions.  When I was 16 I totaled one of my parents’ cars and my dad did not yell or demand that I repay them for the damage.  He treated it as an opportunity for learning.
2. He is consistent in living out his principles and convictions.  I have joked that my parents were always consistent – even when they were consistently wrong.  One thing I could never do, fault them for failing to live up to what they believed to be right.
3. He loves my mother and affirms her in the presence of others.  Despite the typical differences found between spouses, my father chooses to emphasize the strengths in my mother’s character and praises her in the presence of others.
4. He is creative in his gift-giving, looking for ways to speak love to the other person in a way that he/she will hear.  Sometimes he comes to our home and washes my car, cleaning it inside and out.  He knows I like a clean car, but that it has never been a priority in my allocation of time.
5. He is loyal to his friends and committed to those relationships for life.  There are countless examples of people my father has befriended and loved over decades.  Through the joys and pain of life, he is there.

My children are not grown and I do not yet know the impact I will have upon their lives.  I trust that they will be as blessed in their relationship with me as I have been with my father.

Technorati Tags: consistent example,loyal,love,gift-giving,dad,relationships,parents,father,father's day